Take My Heart, Take All that I Am

Beautiful God

Laying Your majesty aside

You reached out in love to show me life

Lifted from darkness into light

"Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United is one of my absolute favorite songs. So much that I’m surprised I haven’t included it in a previous post. In fact, I actually may have. But if you don’t remember either, we’ll call today’s the first and keep whatever secret that may or may not exist between us.

There are many things that rock my world these crazy days. One of those things is how Siri works. No wires in sight, how do you understand me, freak machine? One is solar-powered energy. I can’t even…..Another one is how much Siri doesn’t work. I paid way too much for you to change things I would NEVER say and that NEVER fit into a sentence and call it autocorrect. Fool.

But another thing that rocks my world time and time again is how much God trusts me.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why God trusts me so much when I keep proving that I trust Him so little. 

He blesses me. He teaches me. He waits for me. He listens to me. And then He blesses me again.

And it’s not just about material blessings. In fact, so often it is much deeper than that.

This week, several of my blessings have come in the form of lessons while praying for others. He trusts me to pray for His children. And I suck at it.

A dear friend of mine reached out to me asking me to lift up her youngest daughter and her recent clingy nature. This friend, who is an absolutely incredible wife, mother and ministry leader, is already struggling with guilt in regards to spending a great deal of time away from her beautiful children, and with the youngest’s regression into this “hold me in your womb at all times” phase, she is fighting with the enemy all the more.

As I’m praying for this precious child and her wearied mama, that God would release all negative emotions and break the strongholds of guilt and shame from Mama’s heart while at the same time wrapping up that baby in the biggest blanket of love so that she never doubts her place in her earthly family or in God’s, I hear one thing over and over: you should cling to Me that way.

Ouch. Dang God. I’m trying to be all holy and pray for someone else….is this really the time for convictions?

But He’s right (as if there’s ever a possibility that God is wrong). I should be clingy with God. I should be so desperate to remain attached to my Heavenly Father that the second there is even the slightest chance of separation I fall into such a state of despair that I have to readjust my entire perspective.

And I’m not. I’m far from clingy. I talk to God. Well, mostly these days I beg and I whine. I plead with Him to help lead me away from temptation and then I complain about not having what others have.

Will I ever get it together?

Probably not, because my same sweet sister in Christ reached out to me yesterday asking me to join her in praying for another friend who caught her husband in an ongoing intimate relationship with someone else. My heart broke for this woman. Shattered in pieces. Her circumstance surrounding this situation, her family, the decisions she has to make….I couldn’t handle it.

And so I prayed for her. All day. Whenever I thought of her. I prayed that the reality and the rawness did not smother her, and that even though it hurt more than I could ever imagine she would be able to see Jesus’s face throughout this ordeal. I prayed for her child. I prayed for comfort everlasting to envelope her in those tender moments when she wakes up in the morning and remembers that this is real life, even though she wishes it were just a nightmare. And then I set a reminder to pray for her all throughout the next few days, because that’s what Christians do, right?

Except my reminder said: "pray for friend whose husband is an adulterer."

What is wrong with me?!

Literally, while praying, I wanted to physically harm someone and was completely unapologetic about it.

Now, I’ll be the first to tell you, I ain’t no saint. And I can guarantee, if you’ve been around me for more than 7 and 1/2 minutes, you already know the same. But when God reminded me how absolutely broken I am, and how in my judgment of this man who is tearing his family apart, I am in as much need of grace as he is, I could do nothing but thank the Lord.

I am grateful for these painful moments for the sole purpose that they serve to push us straight into the arms of our loving Savior.

I am grateful for the experiences that show us the reason the only place we can run to is towards God because that’s the only place we need to run.

I am grateful for these times that suck so terribly bad, because they are the only place life is reborn.

And I am grateful for rebirth.

Good Lord, I am thankful for rebirth.
And though I spent the morning beating myself up for being a terrible pray-er, I spent the evening watching the rebirth of my purpose. 

Tonight I began training for my part time gig at this awesome Wine Bar to save money for Uganda. And while I was teaching a beautiful Caucasian woman with long curly hair how I twist my curly hair into an updo (read: upmess, but she liked it) -- right after I internally judged her for what I interpreted as a snobby attitude -- and I was explaining that “yes, I’m literally selling wine to fund my trip to share about Jesus…I know the paradox is uncanny, but can I get an AMEN!” I remembered how much Jesus loves to meet us where we are. 

He meets us when we’re clingy. 

He meets us when we’re independent. 

He meets us when we’re cheating. 

He meets us when we’re judging. 

He meets us when we’re hurting. 

He meets us when we’re broken. 

He meets us and He looks us in the eyes and says, “I love you, still."

And I find myself here on my knees again

Caught up in grace like an avalanche

Nothing compares to this love

Love

Love

Burning in my heart

*If you've never heard this song, listen now!

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I said YES!

When God moves, He moves mightily.

Remember that time I said I didn't know where God was calling me, but I knew it was to missions? 

Remember how I asked you to pray those "unsafe" prayers with me? Well thanks, friends, because God has answered.

Guess what this season of preparation is for....

About six months ago I shared with my Life Group a prayer that had been resting in my spirit to become more bold in Christ, to step into the calling He has placed on my life a faith bursting from within. 

Ever since then, I have been drenched in confirmations everywhere I turn, and each time I ask for another one -- Are you sure this is what you want me to do, Father? -- I'm sure God either laughs at me or shakes His head in exasperation, but He obliges and puts someone else in my path to whisper or shout what He has already spoken.

Meetings on meetings on meetings. So many meetings. Forms every day. So much paperwork. So many questions. Dumb amounts of emails. Prayer on prayer on prayer. Beautiful prayer warriors lifting me up each day. Whispering God's truth in my ears at all times. Praying for me when I couldn't pray for myself. When I was mad at God for asking me to do this. Conversations. Fasts. Tears. Belting out worship songs. Arguments with family members. Celebrations with friends.

God gave me the choice. I could have said "No."

I still can.

But why would I dare?

If all God has done for me this far in my life is all He ever did for the rest of my time on this side of Heaven, that is more than enough. 

And I need to share that with someone who needs to hear it.

So, I'm quitting my job, selling my junk and becoming a missionary.

In addition to that (as if that's not enough), while praying through the opportunities presented before me in regards to my long-term commitment, there was another opportunity presented for a short-term trip exactly to the place my mother shared she felt I was called to go back in January, doing exactly what I wrote about before: Africa, serving women and children.

I'm well aware of how insane this looks to those looking from the outside in, those who haven't lived closely with me over the past few years. 

I understand that to those who have also never experienced the call for missions themselves to go and serve -- because ALL of us are called to missions, but many of us are called to stay and serve, and/or to send -- this may seem absolutely foolish and borderline irresponsible.

I get it. It seems that way to me. In fact, I have cried out to God, many, many times. 

Are you sure, God? 

How is this possible? 

Why are you asking me? 

Don't you know what else I have going on in my life? 

Newsflash: He does know. He knows, because He is making it all happen.

And then one night on my couch, selfishly drowning in my sorrows with Chinese food, red wine, and gross tissues crumpled on the carpet at my feet, it hit me: I'd rather look foolish for God than be foolish for man. 

I'd rather give God the opportunity to show up and show out in such a miraculous way that only He could get the glory because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I can do this on my own. 

I'd rather do that than pat myself on the back for attaining everything I set out to accomplish in my own human strength.

Quite frankly, I wasn't created to climb the corporate ladder. I absolutely love my job, and I am so grateful for the opportunities it has afforded me. But if you want me to tell you the truth, I could care less about teaching a computer system.

When I think of the precious women with whom I will get to share God's love and tell them that they are treasured and that He sees them and adores them just the way they are, when I think about the darling orphans that I get to love on because they may have never heard that they were loved before -- that is when my heart really starts beating, that is when I truly feel alive. There is no salary and no benefits to match that.

God did not save me for me to sit on my couch. 

God did not save me to hoard His love for myself.

God saved me so that I could share His love with others. God saved me to give me the opportunity, if I so choose, to partner with Him and participate in His wonders and glory as He saves others and calls them to experience the freedom that comes from accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior.

There is no sin dark enough to keep us from God, all we have to do is run straight to Him. For that I am thankful, because my sin pretty closely resembles midnight.

God will rescue you from abandonment.

God will rescue you from abuse.

God will rescue you from alcoholism.

God will rescue you from depression.

God will heal your body.

God will heal your heart.

God WILL provide for your every, single need.

And I know this, because He has done all of those things for me.

As a product of adoption, and then later divorce, I know what it is like to grow up feeling abandoned. Especially in seeing my birth parents several times a year and feeling completely unwanted. Thankfully, I had an incredible mom who worked her ass off to make sure I knew I was loved.

As a victim of emotional abuse and later sexual assault, I know what it is like to feel used and unworthy.

As an abuser of alcohol, I know what it feels like to consciously make unhealthy decision after unhealthy decision just to numb the pain and assert "control" in your life.

As a sufferer of depression, I know what it's like to wake up and feel like you have absolutely nothing to live for so you just go back to sleep.

Unmarried, without children and giving up my corporate job is not where I imagined my life at twenty-five.

But entirely living for Christ, trusting Him for every thing I could ever need, and accepting this call, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
To keep the glory of God's rescue and redemption to myself, to not share that with His children all over the globe, to not love them as He has loved me, that is the darkest sin.

You won't catch me tying God's hands behind His back because He wants to give me a gift that my fear and anxiety won't let me accept.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of quitting my incredible job to leave the only life I've ever known.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of asking people for money to support this call. So.Much.Money. What?!

But as I lay my dreams at His feet, I have no doubt that He will bring the desires that He has placed in my heart to fruition in the perfect time.

More so, I am incredibly BLOWN AWAY that God trusts me enough to ask me to do it, and I'm humbled enough by His faithfulness to say YES.

"And then he told them,

'Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved.

But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned.

These miraculous signs will accompany those who believe:

They will cast out demons in my name,

and they will speak in new languages."

Mark 16:15-17 (NLT)

*I'm next to the lady in yellow, Mom :)

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