The Grace to Die Empty

To die empty.

That’s what I want to do. Don’t you?

Maybe not. Our world is terrified of "empty." An empty gas tank can strike panic in someone who doesn't have enough money to fill up again until pay day. An empty pantry or refrigerator can bring fear into the people whose stomachs are also empty as a result, and gives way to feelings of frustration and shame for the inability to provide for themselves or their families. An empty heart is felt by many who have suffered losses in many forms. 

So to avoid any type of empty, we walk through life with closed fists. 

We buy food in bulk and end up throwing it away because it expires, but never think to pack an extra sandwich to give to the homeless person we drive past every day because we need our food.

We don't give to others because we can't seem to find it in our budget, but Karaoke Night and $2 pints sure make their way into our wallet.

We keep our smiles, our laughs, our kindness, our depth, bottled up inside because the last time we let them out we were hurt. We were left....empty.


But I'm not talking about empty in the way that you’re thinking. Not empty as in broken and devoid, lacking something that should be there.

No, no…I want to die empty in the sense that when I take my last breath I can truly say that I gave fully of myself over a lifetime, without reserve.

Without fear.

Without doubt.

Without discontent.

Without apprehension.

Without avarice.

With nothing but love.

My love for Jesus fueling my love for others. My love for others reflecting my love for God.

I've got a long way to go, friends.

I originally chose my URL to be “gracefilledlove” to direct readers to this blog, not because grace-filled anything is what I am adept in living daily but because it is something I strive for. And quite frankly, it is something I am always reminded of how short I fall.

Not only do I struggle with extending grace to others (mainly the people who really push my buttons), I am generally just not a graceful lady. I run into and trip over things…a lot. I spill food and drink, often both, on myself daily. DAILY. I also spill things on other people. And drop things. All the time. Always dropping my cell phone, laptop, scattering papers, getting caught up in wires. I've actually (accidentally, I promise) flung a pen at one of my students’ faces in class on TWO different occasions. Grace does not live here, y’all.

But grace is something I need to receive, and grace is something I need to give.

We talk about how we want to live our lives, whether it’s the characteristics that we want to develop, the places we want to live, the goals we want to attain, the lifestyle we are working towards, the values we want to instill in our families….whatever the case may be.

And it all sounds really good. Especially after going to a conference. Or leaving a worship experience. Or reading a really inspirational book.

But we rarely talk about how we want to die.

Death is painful. Death is depressing. Death is final. Death can be tragic, particularly when unexpected. But death……is inevitable.

So rather than waiting for death to find me full, whether 60 years or 60 minutes from now, I want to practice emptying myself while I'm alive.

Emptying my doubts and fears and worries and bondage and laying them at the foot of the cross.

Emptying my gifts and blessings and love and grace and laying them wherever and with whomever God leads me.

And looking only to the Holy Spirit to be filled up again.

Because we are not filled to become storehouses, we are filled to be emptied again. 

We are filled with goodness so we can pour that goodness out onto others.
What a rather sad life to be so afraid of not having, that I become practiced and proficient in not giving.

If that ever becomes the case, I pray now that the words leaving my lips then would be “take me, Lord.”

People keep telling me how “amazing” I am for stepping bungee-jumping into God’s call to long-term overseas missions. I have heard that more times than I can count. And while I absolutely love sharing what God is doing (I'll be able to publicly share more in a few weeks) and I am deeply humbled each time I hear of how different parts of my story have inspired different people, I find myself cringing at the word “amazing.” So, I’ll say here what I have said to each and every person who has shared in my excitement and offered their encouragement:

I am not amazing. I am not brave. I’m not even really sacrificing anything (except maybe easier access to some dope hair products). What I am….is grateful. I am grateful for having life and freedom. Grateful that God chose to restore and redeem me. Grateful that His love is healing. I wrote in a previous post that "If all God has done for me this far in my life is all He ever did for the rest of my time this side of Heaven, that is more than enough," and I mean it. I could never pay God back for what He has done for me. Being obedient, in fact, is the very least I can do. 

The truth is, I’m nowhere near amazing.

I just want to die empty.

"If then there is any encouragement in Christ,

if any consolation of love, 

if any fellowship with the Spirit, 

if any affection and mercy,

fulfill my joy by thinking the same way, 

having the same love, 

sharing the same feelings,

focusing on one foal.

Do nothing out of rivalry or conceit,

but in humility consider others as more important than yourselves.

Everyone should look out not only for his own interests, 

but also for the interests of others.

Make your own attitude that of Christ Jesus, 

who, existing in the form of God, 

did not consider equality with God 

as something to be used for His own advantage.

Instead He emptied Himself by assuming the form of a slave,

taking on the likeness of men. 

And when He had come as a man in His external form,

He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death--

even to death on a cross."

Philippians 2:1-8 (HCSB)

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