Clean or Caught?

As I type this, I am sitting at a coffee shop breaking up 6 hours of driving. 

And I desperately need this break, as this morning after a chaotic work situation and having only been on the road for about 30 minutes, I got my second speeding ticket in 5 days. Don't even start.

I travel regularly. No stranger to taking a road trip, and commuting anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half each day for my job, I am always in the car and I haven't received so much as a warning. Until this week.

When I was pulled Monday after another six hours of driving and I was a mere 5 minutes from the hotel, I was angry, but I was determined not to let it ruin my day. I thanked the officer for reducing my penalty (yes, it was that bad), and resolved to eat out a little less and work at my part-time a little more this next month.

The rest of the week was smooth sailing, for the most part. And then today happened. When I saw the lights behind me this morning, I can assure you that the words in my mind were not any that I will be teaching my students in Peru next year. Aloud, I only screamed "you've got to be kidding me!" so we'll go with that one for this post.

Aside from the fact that no one is getting Christmas gifts this year (for real), I was reminded of several things in the hours to follow as I continued my trek.

One of those reminders smacked me right in the face as I just wrote about it yesterday. I shared about my wonderful breakfast with 92 years of awesome wrapped up in a graceful little lady, and just that quickly I forgot what I learned. Or maybe I didn't quite forget, but I compartmentalized that lesson as I tend to do a lot of things in life.

I talked about being intentional. Being present. Finding beauty.

And this morning I was so concerned with getting to my next destination that God allowed another interruption to force me, literally, to stop, re-evaluate and rearrange.

Slowing down in life is one of my most difficult challenges right now. 

Sure, God has done a tremendous work in my heart. I no longer spend my days daydreaming of being a wife and mother and trying to figure out how to make the most of my life until that happens. I no longer identify myself as being in a season of waiting, in that regard. I am excited to offer God whatever He wants in my life right here and right now, not just until the next milestone. I am creating my own milestones.

But I'm still rushing through the days. Instead of taking in the scenery and enjoying the ride, I just wanted to get to where I was going.

That wasn't all I realized, though. The Spirit also revealed something very sobering to me.

I wasn't mad that I got pulled over...a second time. I wasn't mad that I got yet another ticket. I wasn't even mad at myself for speeding just days after I had gotten that first ticket. 

I realized, as the tears burned my cheeks, that I was mad because I got caught. 

I got caught speeding. 

Caught. 

I've had a clean driving record, with the exception of one infraction, since I've been driving. But my record wasn't clean because I haven't been speeding all these years, my record was clean because I hadn't gotten caught.

I have put over 108,000 miles on my car in 5 short years and my guess is that about 107,864 of those miles I was speeding. I speed all the time. In fact, if there's no one in front of me, something in my brain triggers subconsciously to go find my traffic buddies. It's a problem. I need help.

So as I begged God to do whatever He would to intervene as the trooper took what seemed like forever to pull my information, I also recognized and admitted that this consequence was long overdue. I couldn't be upset with anyone but myself, and even in that God brought to mind other ways He's been protecting me but I have had to make the choice to cease destructive behavior before severe consequences set in.

I am not a mother yet because it is not time for me to be. I believe that will full conviction because, just like my clean driving record was not due to lack of speeding, my empty womb did not come from lack of putting myself in situations where babies are normally born less than a year later.

As mentioned in previous posts, presently my body does not provide an adequate environment for life to develop. Fancy words for I can't get pregnant. Between cancerous cells on my cervix that have to be regularly monitored and painful cysts that develop on my ovaries and can only be controlled by the hormones found in daily birth control pills, I physically cannot get pregnant. 

I don't rest in this diagnosis that seems to scream defeat, though. God has placed a promise in my heart and confirmed it many times through many people that I will be a mother when it is time in His plan for that to happen. I don't know if my children will be biological or adopted or both, and I don't need to know. They're mine and I love them already. 

But that's a post for another day. The point of sharing that is to say that I have not lived a life of purity, I just never got caught. I was not a virgin at the time of my sexual assault, but I sure did not spend the years following that traumatic event seeking redemption or clean living.

Even now, this same challenge creeps into my life. My frustration with someone can far too easily turn into a text message to a friend about how ridiculous and maddening that person can be. Because my friends are kind enough not to expose me to the world by posting my angry messages online for all to see, here's another snippet from the episode of Clean or Caught. 

*Though some of you reading this post do have full permission to post some of my jokes so everyone can know how hilarious I can be. But I need you to post them because if I do, it will ruin the illusion of humility. (Not everyone's going to get that one....it's ok).
Anyway, I'm not proud of these things but I'm so thankful God loves us enough to open our eyes and, if were willing to let Him, work in our hearts.

We all need self-reflection. I don't share everything with everyone, but I do try to remain transparent in all arenas. As Christ-followers, we need to stop playing the role of the victim. Some things happen to us, some things we cause, and some things happen to us because of other things that we have caused. But if we look at the blessings God is giving us in the midst of either, I'm convinced we can all learn lessons that will serve us well the rest of our lives. 

We need to be "Christian" enough to call sin, sin.

Our culture views sin as that which hurts us, not that which hurts God. 

Someone spoke negatively about us? Sin. 

Smoking? Sin.

Abortion? Sin. 

Homosexuality? Sin. 

But my pride preventing me from being the bigger person even if (and especially when) I think I'm justified? Oh, that's just something I'm working on. 

And that murderous thought I had about that person who hurt my loved one? Well, it's not like I actually did anything. 

Bull. That's sin. Clear as day. 

And yes, God works on us. So glad He doesn't give us what we truly deserve. 

And yes, it's a daily struggle. But we have to keep going to the throne and we also have to extend the same grace we expect to receive. 

This post is not about following God and doing the right thing so that we don't get caught doing the wrong thing. That is such a sad way to view our relationship with the Lord and that will make for a miserable life. Not one that exemplifies the richness in the blessings a Christ-follower receives just by remembering they are loved by our Father.

I want this to post to be a reminder that we are to be obedient because it makes our Father happy and it is what's best for us. Life is hard. There are temptations. But the gift we have in knowing that Jesus was fully man and walked this Earth and experience every single temptation that you and I struggle with is a gift that allows us to know 100% that we are fully known and fully understood.

I also want this post to be reminder that even when we mess up, God always provides a way out. Always. It may not be the way we would choose and it may be more expensive than other options, but repenting of our sins and asking for forgiveness also means accepting responsibility for our wrongdoings and most importantly, learning from that experience rather than staying in sin.

In the next 24 hours I have more driving to do. I have a worship experience, a baby shower, a wedding and a birthday celebration and all four events are in four different cities. 

If I've learned anything this week it's that rushing sets you back. So I'm going to make the choice to set a limit and then put my car on cruise control and trust my system not to fail me.

And then I'm going to do the same for my life: make the choice to set limits and then put my life on cruise control, trusting God not to fail me.

He hasn't yet.

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Finding Blessing in the Busy

"Whatever you do becomes a part of you."

-My 92-year young hero

This may look like a simple breakfast to you, but to me it was an exquisite dining experience. This meal was prepared by my 92 year-old former neighbor who filled me with food for my body and wisdom for my soul this morning. 

This week, I happen to be working in the town right next to the one I grew up in, and as God would have it, I'm teaching at night due to some constraints around the clinic and the patients who still need treatment, so that leaves my mornings free.

I've been able to rest in nostalgia this week and visit many neighbors (who were already aging when I was a child, so I'm beyond grateful to glean from them as an adult) and former coworkers of my parents. As I have not been back since my mother's stroke (3.5 years ago), it has been a rich week.

Yesterday, I stopped by the home of one of my favorites and since she was on the tail-end of my visits before work, I was only able to spend about 30 minutes with her. I promised I'd be back the next day (today) and she insisted on cooking me breakfast. Anyone who knows this pillar of the community knows you don't argue with her, so I obliged and left already excited for my return.

So this morning we shared a meal and many memories. She recalled how she would look out of her window when I was a child and was tickled over the sight of me and her brother (who has since passed) working on our garden together. She's the youngest of her living siblings, with two sisters who are 95 and 100, and with full faculties all those years of life spill over in conversation.

As the hours passed and I heard of all of her travels around the world and challenges being a hardworking, educated black woman when all that was expected of our race and gender was to be a cook and a caretaker for wealthy families, I realized that none of her stories really went together but they all flowed right into one another. And they all had one central theme: love people.

Every job she ever held was in a position of service. As the first black LPN offered a job at the hospital in this town, she never allowed the limits other people placed upon her to stop her. She won people over with her love, and allowed them to recognize her worth through her work ethic.

She was a missionary before people in our community ever even heard the word.

And if ever there was someone on earth I would like to emulate, it is she.

As I sat and listened, I realized the intentionality behind everything that she did and recognized that I want to go about life with that same intentionality. 

She shrugs off what she can't change in the most endearing manner, and gives every single thing -- good, bad, and otherwise -- over to God.

In this season of in-between where I am desperately trying to figure out how best to be fully present in the "where I am" and also preparing to leave everything I know for everything God has for me, I'm starting to view each task in this "busy" schedule of mine as divine appointments.

Rather than anxiety setting in when I look at my schedule and think of all I "have" to do and bouncing from event to event with a tired face and a tired soul, I am choosing to soak in the wisdom that comes with each whatever.

Listening to the pain of a friend and being excited that I get to pray with her through that. Taking an opportunity to spend time with people I haven't seen in years even though all I want to do is lay in bed and work. Trying something new with someone who is the same.

Work is work. I can't change that and it's always going to be there. So instead of letting it drain my energy during the day, I am choosing to create my own energy in the excitement of spending time with people God has seen fit to bless me with relationship.

Because that's what life is.

Things are cool. But people are so much better.

Adventures are nice. But sharing them with people is love.

This morning tears flowed, laughter erupted, and my soul nearly burst.

I wish I could share with you all how many ways The Lord has shown up over the past two weeks, but that's a little too personal for the internet, at least for now. Just know that He answers prayers in the most abundant ways and grateful is an inadequate term to express my sentiments because He does not have to, yet chooses to bless us in our sinfulness. He has given me peace, restored my hope and given me promises for my future family. He has taken care of details I didn't trust Him with, and through those reminded me there is truly nothing too big or too small to lay at the throne.

I may not be able to share those, yet, but I am able to share this. God knew exactly what I needed, and He knew I would need it this week as I stepped out of two harrowing weeks and as I return to Charlotte to step right back into the blur.

I don't have much time today, but I will leave you with this quote from my 92-year young hero:

"Life is beautiful. But you have to make it beautiful. And see the beauty. And remember God is right next to you." 

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