Chillin With My Lemons

Denial/Isolation.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

These are the stages of grief.

I have skipped some, and certainly experienced them out of order, but as a whole they are all up in my face these days.

Those who know me know that I live and love generously, but open up cautiously. Often things are swept under the proverbial rug, not because I don't want to deal with them, but because as an introvert I am quite comfortable dealing with things alone. In fact, I consider it a burden to share my struggles with others. 

But that, I'm learning more and more, is the point of intimacy. Not sexual intimacy, obviously. But fellowship and friendship. And right now, I must extend a huge thank you to my corner for the past two weeks.

They have helped me cry, curse, laugh and most importantly live.

They have shown me God's grace and His goodness, reminded me of the purpose of community and the power behind having other people pray for you when you can't utter a word for yourself.

While waiting to hear news about a job prospect and preparing for a less than timely move, I entered into the final week of a 21-day fast with hands raised high and the following words on my lips:

Here I am, down on my knees again 

Surrendering all, surrendering all 

And find me here 

Lord, as You draw me near 

I'm desperate for You, desperate for You 

I surrender 

Drench my soul 

As mercy and grace unfold 

I hunger and thirst, I hunger and thirst 

With arms stretched wide 

I know You hear my cry 

Speak to me now, speak to me now 

I surrender 

I surrender 

I want to know You more 

I want to know You more 

I surrender 

I surrender 

I want to know You more 

I want to know You more 

Like a rushing wind 

Jesus breathe within 

Lord, have Your way 

Lord, have Your way in me 

Like a mighty storm 

Stir within my soul 

Lord, have Your way 

Lord, have Your way in me 

Little did I know, I would be asked to surrender the last thing that had not yet been stripped from me. I wrote about challenging satan that Monday morning, but what I didn't share was that the very night before the man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with ended our relationship.

In an effort to condense several conversations into a few short sentences and to preserve the privacy of our relationship, after ring shopping the realization of life goals and other ambitions taking priority over marriage materialized.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.

There are periods in our lives where God is waiting on us to take a leap of faith, where His blessings catch us in motion and push us forward evermore. Both my new job and my new home were results of Him blessing my obedience as I walked step by step only by the light of His lamp.

There are also seasons when we just need to rest in the peace He provides. And now is time in my journey for me to sit. Psalm 46:10 is ever present on my tongue these days. Until I feel the Lord prompting me to move again, I will wait. It will be difficult, but the biggest blessings in my life have been birthed out of the biggest trials, and remembering how God delivered me not because I deserved it, but because He loves me gives me a faith full of expectation.

That faith allows me to listen to the song I had planned to have a friend sing at our wedding and smile rather than cry. That faith lets me pack up pictures and old gifts as the anger subsides and pleasant memories fill my mind. That faith leads me straight to the arms of a man who loves me so much He died for me.

I don't know what the future holds, with him or anyone else, but as one of my Charlotte mamas says, "When we can't trace God's hand, we can trust His heart."

And I trust that as His word says, He will give me the desires of mine.

So when God gives you lemons, praise Him.

"Your unfailing love is better than life itself;

how I praise you!"

Psalm 63:3, NLT