Clean or Caught?

As I type this, I am sitting at a coffee shop breaking up 6 hours of driving. 

And I desperately need this break, as this morning after a chaotic work situation and having only been on the road for about 30 minutes, I got my second speeding ticket in 5 days. Don't even start.

I travel regularly. No stranger to taking a road trip, and commuting anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half each day for my job, I am always in the car and I haven't received so much as a warning. Until this week.

When I was pulled Monday after another six hours of driving and I was a mere 5 minutes from the hotel, I was angry, but I was determined not to let it ruin my day. I thanked the officer for reducing my penalty (yes, it was that bad), and resolved to eat out a little less and work at my part-time a little more this next month.

The rest of the week was smooth sailing, for the most part. And then today happened. When I saw the lights behind me this morning, I can assure you that the words in my mind were not any that I will be teaching my students in Peru next year. Aloud, I only screamed "you've got to be kidding me!" so we'll go with that one for this post.

Aside from the fact that no one is getting Christmas gifts this year (for real), I was reminded of several things in the hours to follow as I continued my trek.

One of those reminders smacked me right in the face as I just wrote about it yesterday. I shared about my wonderful breakfast with 92 years of awesome wrapped up in a graceful little lady, and just that quickly I forgot what I learned. Or maybe I didn't quite forget, but I compartmentalized that lesson as I tend to do a lot of things in life.

I talked about being intentional. Being present. Finding beauty.

And this morning I was so concerned with getting to my next destination that God allowed another interruption to force me, literally, to stop, re-evaluate and rearrange.

Slowing down in life is one of my most difficult challenges right now. 

Sure, God has done a tremendous work in my heart. I no longer spend my days daydreaming of being a wife and mother and trying to figure out how to make the most of my life until that happens. I no longer identify myself as being in a season of waiting, in that regard. I am excited to offer God whatever He wants in my life right here and right now, not just until the next milestone. I am creating my own milestones.

But I'm still rushing through the days. Instead of taking in the scenery and enjoying the ride, I just wanted to get to where I was going.

That wasn't all I realized, though. The Spirit also revealed something very sobering to me.

I wasn't mad that I got pulled over...a second time. I wasn't mad that I got yet another ticket. I wasn't even mad at myself for speeding just days after I had gotten that first ticket. 

I realized, as the tears burned my cheeks, that I was mad because I got caught. 

I got caught speeding. 

Caught. 

I've had a clean driving record, with the exception of one infraction, since I've been driving. But my record wasn't clean because I haven't been speeding all these years, my record was clean because I hadn't gotten caught.

I have put over 108,000 miles on my car in 5 short years and my guess is that about 107,864 of those miles I was speeding. I speed all the time. In fact, if there's no one in front of me, something in my brain triggers subconsciously to go find my traffic buddies. It's a problem. I need help.

So as I begged God to do whatever He would to intervene as the trooper took what seemed like forever to pull my information, I also recognized and admitted that this consequence was long overdue. I couldn't be upset with anyone but myself, and even in that God brought to mind other ways He's been protecting me but I have had to make the choice to cease destructive behavior before severe consequences set in.

I am not a mother yet because it is not time for me to be. I believe that will full conviction because, just like my clean driving record was not due to lack of speeding, my empty womb did not come from lack of putting myself in situations where babies are normally born less than a year later.

As mentioned in previous posts, presently my body does not provide an adequate environment for life to develop. Fancy words for I can't get pregnant. Between cancerous cells on my cervix that have to be regularly monitored and painful cysts that develop on my ovaries and can only be controlled by the hormones found in daily birth control pills, I physically cannot get pregnant. 

I don't rest in this diagnosis that seems to scream defeat, though. God has placed a promise in my heart and confirmed it many times through many people that I will be a mother when it is time in His plan for that to happen. I don't know if my children will be biological or adopted or both, and I don't need to know. They're mine and I love them already. 

But that's a post for another day. The point of sharing that is to say that I have not lived a life of purity, I just never got caught. I was not a virgin at the time of my sexual assault, but I sure did not spend the years following that traumatic event seeking redemption or clean living.

Even now, this same challenge creeps into my life. My frustration with someone can far too easily turn into a text message to a friend about how ridiculous and maddening that person can be. Because my friends are kind enough not to expose me to the world by posting my angry messages online for all to see, here's another snippet from the episode of Clean or Caught. 

*Though some of you reading this post do have full permission to post some of my jokes so everyone can know how hilarious I can be. But I need you to post them because if I do, it will ruin the illusion of humility. (Not everyone's going to get that one....it's ok).
Anyway, I'm not proud of these things but I'm so thankful God loves us enough to open our eyes and, if were willing to let Him, work in our hearts.

We all need self-reflection. I don't share everything with everyone, but I do try to remain transparent in all arenas. As Christ-followers, we need to stop playing the role of the victim. Some things happen to us, some things we cause, and some things happen to us because of other things that we have caused. But if we look at the blessings God is giving us in the midst of either, I'm convinced we can all learn lessons that will serve us well the rest of our lives. 

We need to be "Christian" enough to call sin, sin.

Our culture views sin as that which hurts us, not that which hurts God. 

Someone spoke negatively about us? Sin. 

Smoking? Sin.

Abortion? Sin. 

Homosexuality? Sin. 

But my pride preventing me from being the bigger person even if (and especially when) I think I'm justified? Oh, that's just something I'm working on. 

And that murderous thought I had about that person who hurt my loved one? Well, it's not like I actually did anything. 

Bull. That's sin. Clear as day. 

And yes, God works on us. So glad He doesn't give us what we truly deserve. 

And yes, it's a daily struggle. But we have to keep going to the throne and we also have to extend the same grace we expect to receive. 

This post is not about following God and doing the right thing so that we don't get caught doing the wrong thing. That is such a sad way to view our relationship with the Lord and that will make for a miserable life. Not one that exemplifies the richness in the blessings a Christ-follower receives just by remembering they are loved by our Father.

I want this to post to be a reminder that we are to be obedient because it makes our Father happy and it is what's best for us. Life is hard. There are temptations. But the gift we have in knowing that Jesus was fully man and walked this Earth and experience every single temptation that you and I struggle with is a gift that allows us to know 100% that we are fully known and fully understood.

I also want this post to be reminder that even when we mess up, God always provides a way out. Always. It may not be the way we would choose and it may be more expensive than other options, but repenting of our sins and asking for forgiveness also means accepting responsibility for our wrongdoings and most importantly, learning from that experience rather than staying in sin.

In the next 24 hours I have more driving to do. I have a worship experience, a baby shower, a wedding and a birthday celebration and all four events are in four different cities. 

If I've learned anything this week it's that rushing sets you back. So I'm going to make the choice to set a limit and then put my car on cruise control and trust my system not to fail me.

And then I'm going to do the same for my life: make the choice to set limits and then put my life on cruise control, trusting God not to fail me.

He hasn't yet.

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...but the Lord's purpose prevails

I typically wake up once or twice before 5:30 rolls around, so it was no surprise when it happened during the first night of my two-week training at SIMGo, but it was quite different. 

When I rolled over to check the time and counted the cost of trying to navigate through the darkness and around unfamiliar furniture to go to the bathroom without waking the other two people sharing this room, the sobering reality of “I am not in my home, I am not in my bed and in a few months I will feel this same way every single night until I don’t anymore” punched me right in the gut.

I had been so excited for orientation because, as I’ve told many of you, I was finally excited to have undivided attention focused just on missions, as I'm getting closer to my departure and partnering with God and trusting Him with the dreams I’m leaving behind and fears I’m pushing through.

The dream of getting married like all my friends.
Welcoming babies into this world.
Attached to the fear of never being chosen to be a wife or mother.

I can’t tell you why so much of my identity is wrapped up in this but in all transparency it is an ongoing struggle for me.

I know my identity is in Christ as His beloved daughter, and because of this I try to tell those irrational fears to hush. I try to remind myself that my fiercest dreams pale in comparison to God’s magnificent plan.

I have finally settled in my heart that my identity is no longer attached to what I have done and who I once was, but it is hard for me to accept a new identity in what is wildly unknown.

So for now, while making so many preparations for my future, I must rest in the gift of today.

In my Life Group we are currently reading Girls with Swords by Lisa Bevere and Friday we discussed our “befores” in light of the following passages:

“Before there was an adversary, a garden, a man, a woman, a serpent, there was an answer. Before there was a war, there was a victory. Before there was even the concept of a game, the Cross was the game-changing agent. The Cross was the means that facilitated the purpose for which Jesus was born….He made a way for us before we lost ours….God covered us before we realized we were naked and made us whole before we knew we were broken."

“The Cross was your hope even before you realized you were hopeless, the answer before you realized there was a problem. The Cross symbolizes God’s faithfulness while it expresses his faith in us. Through the Cross we are equipped to walk in him."

I shared with the group that my before was “God had a plan for me before I knew my purpose.”

Before I knew what today would look like, I thought I was moving to Charlotte on my own volition to study and enter a career of Sports Medicine (8 “short” years ago).

Before I knew I would reach out to women who have suffered unimaginable adversities, I went through years of abuse myself.

Before I knew I would be sharing how no matter what circumstance you are in you can always turn to God, I turned to alcohol and promiscuity to fill my voids.

Before I knew what a relationship with Christ could look like, I felt unworthy to come to the Cross.

Before I understood how faith can carry you through the toughest trials, I had a pastor who believed in me enough to put me in a leadership position over a ministry.

Before I knew God was birthing a passion for missions in me, I lead two trips overseas to share the Gospel with high school students.

Before I recognized God was changing my entire life, I thought He was just changing my place of employment and local mission field.

Before I realized God was preparing me for the next step, I took what I felt was three steps back (in quitting three different jobs).

Before I knew why I ended up at a new church, God lead me with my now ex-boyfriend to worship together before our lives would part.

Before I realized the lives I invested in would come back full circle and support me in this calling, I went on another short-term trip and shared how God increased my capacity to love those whom I have not yet met.

Before any of us were born, God knew us and had a plan for us. 

There have been so many steps I have taken that are the complete opposite direction of the path God has created for me, but He has been more than gracious to re-direct me each time, teaching me along the way.

And as I have said many times before, God wastes nothing.

This is why obedience is no longer an option for me. Before I knew my purpose, God had a plan. Rather than asking Him to bless my plans, I am excited to align with HIs.

What is your before?

“The Lord gave me this message: 

‘I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.

Before you were born I set you apart

and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.’

‘O Sovereign Lord,’ I said, ‘I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!’

The Lord replied, ‘Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go where I send you and say whatever I tell you.

And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you.

I, the Lord, have spoken!’

Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,

‘Look, I have put my words in your mouth!

Today I appoint you to stand up

against nations and kingdoms.

Some you must uproot and tear down,

destroy and overthrow.

Others you must build up and plant.’”

Jeremiah 1:4-10

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Those Who Have Never Been Told Will See

"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; 

better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; 

better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it."

- Erwin Lutzer

It has been over a month since my last post, but that's not for lack of content to write about. 

In fact, life has nearly knocked the wind out of me and some days I'm not sure which way is up. While completing my assignment last night for my missions agency, I realized that I hadn't yet shared what God is up to, other than the conversations I have been able to have in person with a few of my close friends and family.

Yes, you read that right. Missions agency.

I have a missions agency, y'all!

I have officially been accepted as an appointee with SIM, an incredible international missions organization that has over 1,600 missionaries from 30 different nations serving in more than 60 countries. They live and breathe by Revelation 7:9, "After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands."

2nd Flo Single Ladies...and John...at SIMStart. I'll leave your nickname out of this one!

Though I was unaware at the time I began exploring a partnership with SIM, this was one of the many things God used to confirm His call and that He will protect me in this journey.

Ever since I said yes, God has been shaping and molding me and Satan has been equally busy distracting and destructing. But we all know that what he means for evil, God will use for His glory. So I'm learning more than ever to count it all joy.

I've spent my days meeting with recruiters from SIM, as well as meeting with a sweet family who is moving to India to explore the possibility of going back with them, partnering with missionaries with whom they will be serving in one of the most dense states in all of India.

I took the longest Scantron assessment of my life, but I learned that I'm not as crazy as I should be. 

I, along with many of you faithful friends, spent many hours praying for clarity, for direction, for peace, and for doors to be opened and closed appropriately.

I questioned. I doubted. And finally, last month at our four-day orientation, as I sat across a group of other young, unmarried, childless women who are all giving up their "American dreams" to move across the world I realized (again) that I have the greatest honor and privilege I could ever be given, and I yearn to share about the Person who has given me this honor and privilege to others. 

The One who continuously loves me and forgives me and teaches me no matter how bad I screw up (which is pretty bad and pretty often). 

The Father who makes me want to die empty so that others can be filled. 

So, funny story: I'm not actually going back to India. 

After many prayers over returning to India with SIM, with Joyce Meyer Ministries (with whom my church partnered for the short-term trip) or serving with the family I had met with several times (even though I share their passion for the work of which they will be a part) I did not feel God calling me back there. 

Pending confirmation from the field director, however, I will be moving to Lima, Peru next year!

Lima, Peru. 

South A-freaking-merica. 

The closest I've been was a short-term exchange program in high school where we stayed in Olmue, Chile and hiked the Andes Mountains. An incredible experience in itself, but it had absolutely nothing to do with missions. And pretty much nothing to do with Peru.

You can imagine that this, too, came with some unexpected fights. Yes, I fought with God. I yelled at Him again, because I clearly don't learn the first time. There were days I didn't pray at all. I just sat in a state of confusion. But the one thing I did right was listen. I listened to God, and oh, did He speak. And my prayers, did He answer. He closed doors...firmly. He turned deadbolts. He locked windows. He answered. And He gave me an incredible peace about the door that was wide open, the door I never would have chosen, the door He chose for me.

Though it is the furthest thing from what I am equipped to do, it is the most beautiful opportunity and I know I will only be able to complete this assignment by pressing into Jesus. And if that's not what this is all about, well then there's no point leaving in the first place.

So now I spend my days, between my two jobs and some semblance of a life, completing assignments for my missions classes and watching videos and planning outreach activities and preparing for this idea that has become a reality. I won't be leaving until Spring of next year (hopefully!), but life has drastically changed.

I mentioned in my post announcing my decision that I was terrified. And that was true. But since then I have been reminded over and over again that when God created me there were a lot of things He left out, and one of those is the spirit of fear. Thank God I don't have to attach myself to that spirit of fear.

"My ambition has always been to preach the Good News

where the name of Christ has never been heard,

rather than where a church has already been started by someone else.

I have been following the plan spoken of in the Scriptures,

where it says,

'Those who have never been told about him will see,

and those who have never heard of him will understand.'"

Romans 15:20-21

I'll be posting soon about what I'll actually be doing between the Amazon and Machu Picchu so don't be a stranger.

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I said YES!

When God moves, He moves mightily.

Remember that time I said I didn't know where God was calling me, but I knew it was to missions? 

Remember how I asked you to pray those "unsafe" prayers with me? Well thanks, friends, because God has answered.

Guess what this season of preparation is for....

About six months ago I shared with my Life Group a prayer that had been resting in my spirit to become more bold in Christ, to step into the calling He has placed on my life a faith bursting from within. 

Ever since then, I have been drenched in confirmations everywhere I turn, and each time I ask for another one -- Are you sure this is what you want me to do, Father? -- I'm sure God either laughs at me or shakes His head in exasperation, but He obliges and puts someone else in my path to whisper or shout what He has already spoken.

Meetings on meetings on meetings. So many meetings. Forms every day. So much paperwork. So many questions. Dumb amounts of emails. Prayer on prayer on prayer. Beautiful prayer warriors lifting me up each day. Whispering God's truth in my ears at all times. Praying for me when I couldn't pray for myself. When I was mad at God for asking me to do this. Conversations. Fasts. Tears. Belting out worship songs. Arguments with family members. Celebrations with friends.

God gave me the choice. I could have said "No."

I still can.

But why would I dare?

If all God has done for me this far in my life is all He ever did for the rest of my time on this side of Heaven, that is more than enough. 

And I need to share that with someone who needs to hear it.

So, I'm quitting my job, selling my junk and becoming a missionary.

In addition to that (as if that's not enough), while praying through the opportunities presented before me in regards to my long-term commitment, there was another opportunity presented for a short-term trip exactly to the place my mother shared she felt I was called to go back in January, doing exactly what I wrote about before: Africa, serving women and children.

I'm well aware of how insane this looks to those looking from the outside in, those who haven't lived closely with me over the past few years. 

I understand that to those who have also never experienced the call for missions themselves to go and serve -- because ALL of us are called to missions, but many of us are called to stay and serve, and/or to send -- this may seem absolutely foolish and borderline irresponsible.

I get it. It seems that way to me. In fact, I have cried out to God, many, many times. 

Are you sure, God? 

How is this possible? 

Why are you asking me? 

Don't you know what else I have going on in my life? 

Newsflash: He does know. He knows, because He is making it all happen.

And then one night on my couch, selfishly drowning in my sorrows with Chinese food, red wine, and gross tissues crumpled on the carpet at my feet, it hit me: I'd rather look foolish for God than be foolish for man. 

I'd rather give God the opportunity to show up and show out in such a miraculous way that only He could get the glory because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I can do this on my own. 

I'd rather do that than pat myself on the back for attaining everything I set out to accomplish in my own human strength.

Quite frankly, I wasn't created to climb the corporate ladder. I absolutely love my job, and I am so grateful for the opportunities it has afforded me. But if you want me to tell you the truth, I could care less about teaching a computer system.

When I think of the precious women with whom I will get to share God's love and tell them that they are treasured and that He sees them and adores them just the way they are, when I think about the darling orphans that I get to love on because they may have never heard that they were loved before -- that is when my heart really starts beating, that is when I truly feel alive. There is no salary and no benefits to match that.

God did not save me for me to sit on my couch. 

God did not save me to hoard His love for myself.

God saved me so that I could share His love with others. God saved me to give me the opportunity, if I so choose, to partner with Him and participate in His wonders and glory as He saves others and calls them to experience the freedom that comes from accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior.

There is no sin dark enough to keep us from God, all we have to do is run straight to Him. For that I am thankful, because my sin pretty closely resembles midnight.

God will rescue you from abandonment.

God will rescue you from abuse.

God will rescue you from alcoholism.

God will rescue you from depression.

God will heal your body.

God will heal your heart.

God WILL provide for your every, single need.

And I know this, because He has done all of those things for me.

As a product of adoption, and then later divorce, I know what it is like to grow up feeling abandoned. Especially in seeing my birth parents several times a year and feeling completely unwanted. Thankfully, I had an incredible mom who worked her ass off to make sure I knew I was loved.

As a victim of emotional abuse and later sexual assault, I know what it is like to feel used and unworthy.

As an abuser of alcohol, I know what it feels like to consciously make unhealthy decision after unhealthy decision just to numb the pain and assert "control" in your life.

As a sufferer of depression, I know what it's like to wake up and feel like you have absolutely nothing to live for so you just go back to sleep.

Unmarried, without children and giving up my corporate job is not where I imagined my life at twenty-five.

But entirely living for Christ, trusting Him for every thing I could ever need, and accepting this call, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
To keep the glory of God's rescue and redemption to myself, to not share that with His children all over the globe, to not love them as He has loved me, that is the darkest sin.

You won't catch me tying God's hands behind His back because He wants to give me a gift that my fear and anxiety won't let me accept.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of quitting my incredible job to leave the only life I've ever known.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of asking people for money to support this call. So.Much.Money. What?!

But as I lay my dreams at His feet, I have no doubt that He will bring the desires that He has placed in my heart to fruition in the perfect time.

More so, I am incredibly BLOWN AWAY that God trusts me enough to ask me to do it, and I'm humbled enough by His faithfulness to say YES.

"And then he told them,

'Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved.

But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned.

These miraculous signs will accompany those who believe:

They will cast out demons in my name,

and they will speak in new languages."

Mark 16:15-17 (NLT)

*I'm next to the lady in yellow, Mom :)

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House Divided

As March Madness ​wraps up​​, the remaining four teams will battle it out this Saturday for the opportunity to play once more for the championship trophy. There have been upsets, blowouts, and the heart-wrenching one point losses and wins that come each year, all while devoted fans talk smack to each other until their beloved team falls out of the competition.

We have followed teams throughout the season, ​predicting their placements, mourning their losses and celebrating their victories as if we're suiting up with the teams during practice each week. Now we find ourselves at the end, enjoying friendly banter over beer specials with new friends at the bar, or in my case, sitting in a booth and people-watching to avoid the sloppy drunk screaming some rambunctious fans enjoy to incite conflict.

These young men -- because I am completely sexist when it comes to watching College Basketball, #sorrynotsorry -- who have earned their place in the Final Four are preparing this week to handle their bidness on the court, each one of them with the goal of playing in the championship and walking away with the 1st place title.

Because the team I cheer for is no longer in the standings, I'm just looking forward to the last game and watching the faces of the players on the winning team as they take turns cutting the nets from the goals. That is one of my favorite parts. The excitement, the pride, the gratification, and so many other emotions are displayed on each of the players' faces according to their personalities.

There is another facet to this tournament that affects those involved and the journey on which they find themselves: the performance of these players during the tournament weighs heavily into the influence of those players' standings in the NBA draft, which follows in a few months.

Talk about pressure.

This year, though, there was a term I heard over and over that struck me much differently than any year prior.

Every time I heard the term "house divided," I found myself back in India, in the village of Kunduluru like I was watching myself in a movie.

Of course in sports, "house divided" refers to family members who cheer for opposing teams, often teams who share a rivalry.

But this time when I heard it, I felt like I was punched in the chest.

Here's what it looked like:

​Random fan talking to his buddy: "...yeah, man, I guess you'd call this a house divided."
A sip of my beer. 
Way to space out there, Brittany. What happened in that last play?
Another sip of beer.
Get yourself together, child. We don't cry in bars.
​A gulp of beer.
But maybe this is the perfect time to open up the conversation?
Back to reality as my friend screams, "HOW CAN THEY CALL THAT A FOUL?! Worst refs."
Maybe not.
Awareness sinks in.
"Can I get a refill please??"​

In the village of Kunduluru, we learned that there actually was a well present, giving the villagers access to clean water. It just was not available for Christians to use.

As I wrote about before, those who converted to Christianity from Hinduism are demoted to the lowest caste system in their society. Even if there is a well in that village, those who profess their belief in Jesus Christ are forbidden to use it. That is why we had the opportunity to serve that specific village because of their large (in comparison) Christian population by building a well there.

These villagers know that if they turn away from everything they have learned their entire lives it means giving up their basic human rights to clean water and becoming the pariah of their society. Even still, their hearts are so full, their hope so pure, that they choose to follow Jesus because they trust that He will provide their every need.

Overwhelming.

And that's not, by any means, the only powerful mark of missions that happened during that village visit.

Our team received the beautiful gift of meeting a man who formerly practiced witchcraft and through the sharing and living out of the Gospel from the local pastor in that village, this man and his two daughters accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. Chills.

But there's one more thing....his wife still practices witchcraft. CHILLS.

House divided.

This man has found so much freedom in Christ that he literally did a complete 180 and chose to leave his old ways behind and step into the new life that Jesus provides, and his daughters chose to join him.

Unfortunately, there is still something holding this wife and mother back.

You can now imagine why when I heard "house divided" at the bar, I found myself rolling my eyes at the potential of a husband sleeping on his couch due to the outcome of a sporting competition when my heart was breaking for this husband who may be sleeping next to his wife who practices the unmitigated opposite of everything he believes.

During March Madness, brackets are at stake.

Not trying to throw a Jesus Juke at you, but I couldn't help thinking how much those brackets do not matter because lives are at stake.

Souls are at stake.

Households are divided, but praise God that Jesus is winning and the Lord gets the glory. 

Just like these players who train to compete at the top of their performance level, vying for a chance to impress recruiters who can change the course of their lives, we should be training, as well.

There is one person who can change the course of our lives and His name is Jesus.

As Christ-followers, we should be altering our daily regimens so that when God calls and says "I want you on my team" all we have to do is sign the papers of obedience. And oh, what a signing party that should be. 

But once we join the team, we should be so concerned with helping our brothers, sisters, neighbors and others train so that they can answer the call, as well.

As I pray specifically for that family in Kunduluru to come together and for the Holy Spirit to rest upon this woman in such an undeniable way that she has no other option but to accept Jesus Christ and join her family in worship, I pray for all of the houses divided.

I pray for those of you who are experiencing a divorce, or who are on the other side of that traumatic time. I pray that God would heal your heart and fill it so full of Himself that there is no possible way you can doubt you are whole.

I pray for those who are contemplating a divorce, that you will allow God to mend your relationship and make your divided home one again.

I pray for those who aren't even aware of the danger coming from your house slowly splitting. That blind eyes would be opened and deaf ears would hear God calling you to love your spouses as Christ loves His church.

I pray for those who are in unequally yoked relationships. I pray that your love for your significant other does not rest in selfishness in wanting to stay in the relationship for your own purposes, but that your love for God helps you to recognize that He should be the center of your life and your potential life with your mate.

I pray for those whose hearts are divided. You may want to step into the new life God has called you to, but you haven't broken the chains of your old life. Do it. Pray to God. Accept Jesus. Praise the Lord.

As I pray, I ask that all who are reading this join me.

I will no longer stand for houses divided.

Please tell me you won't either.

"One time Jesus entered a house,

and the crowds began to gather again.

Soon he and his disciples couldn't even find time to eat.

When his family heard what was happening,

they tried to take him away. 

'He's out of his mind,' they said.

But the teachers of religious law who had arrived from Jerusalem said,

'He's possessed by Satan,

the prince of demons. 

That's where he gets the power to cast out demons.'

Jesus called them over and responded with an illustration.

'How can Satan cast out Satan?' he asked.

'A kingdom divided by civil war will collapse.

Similarly, a family splintered by feuding will fall apart.

And if Satan is divided and fights against himself,

how can he stand?

He would never survive.

Let me illustrate this further. 

Who is powerful enough to enter the house

of a strong man like Satan and plunder his goods?

Only someone even stronger -- 

someone who could tie him up and then plunder his house.

I tell you the truth,

all sin and blasphemy can be forgiven,

but anyone who blasphemes the Holy Spirit will never be forgiven.

This is a sin with eternal consequences.'"

Mark 3:20-29 (NLT)

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When Your Thoughts and Your Faith Don't Match

I had an amazing dinner last night with two of the most special people in my life. Driving home I just savored the thought of the blessings I have experienced just by knowing them. Then this morning happened. And it was rough. Really rough. The enemy does not like us to be grateful.

In that delicate space between recalling a dream and being fully awake and alert, I realized I was having thoughts I'd rather not have and I could not shake them, and let's just say that does not make for a "Rise and Shine" attitude from this young lady here. In fact, frustration turned to anger then to self-pity.

I know I am blessed. I know I am loved. So why is this one thing bothering me? I have an amazing job, incredible friends I see every day, an outstanding family of faith and church where I can't wait until the next opportunity to attend or serve. Why, God, can't I just focus on the gifts you have given me and not this one stressful factor?

The same words went through my head with each emotion. Those words came out in a sigh of frustration, they came out in a shout of anger, and they came out in a cry of self-pity.

All before 6 am. I told y'all...it was rough.

Laying with my head under the covers, I went from trying to pray away those thoughts, to praying for a particular person, to moving the focus from myself by praying for other friends and family members, to begging God to fill this absence... because He's all I need, right? 

When nothing seemed to make me feel better, I just got out of bed and decided to have a good day.

That was that. I needed to make a decision and act on it.

Because sometimes we try to take control back from God, but sometimes we use Him as a crutch and we pray for things that we are fully capable, through the power He has given us, of handling ourselves.

Decision made.

Shower. Makeup. Throw a few bobby pins into this lion's mane called hair. Grab a dress from the closet, because Praise Jehovah, it's gonna be 77 today! Rummage through the clothes on my "laundry chair" to find a cardigan I've probably worn no less than 3 times since the last wash.

Keep busy. Keep talking to God. Keep busy. Keep talking to God. Eventually the thoughts will go away.

Right as I was walking into my training location for today, I read the following post on a friend, mentor, brother's Facebook wall:

God has released power in your life today. 

Everything you need is within you. 

God has placed the seeds of power, love, and peace in your heart, 

and you're about to see what He's been planning for you all along. 

Expect to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right people...TODAY!

Oh...thank...you...Jesus. Thank you for sending that reminder that even when we need to just move, you still remember the cries of our hearts and answer those prayers.

I start reciting...I will be in the right place at the right time. I will meet the right people. They will be in the right place at the right time. There is nothing I have to do except follow the steps You have prepared for me. You have released Your power in me, and because of that, I am going to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right people...TODAY!

I stop reciting...because I look bat[crap] crazy talking to myself and I don't have a Bluetooth or headset to blame it on. But I walk into my classroom believing that I am going to be in the right place at the right time to meet the right people and I set up my training environment with a fresh perspective ready to take on the day.

One of my favorite students -- oh, I mean this lady I like a lot, since we "don't have favorites" -- was on the roster this morning. She's one of those people you work with and you think "we could definitely be friends outside of work." The kind that for every day since her first class last week, we hug at the end of class one day and remember to ask about the kid's birthday parties and friend's wedding plans at the beginning of the next class.

One of my other students joined us and I remembered teaching her a few months ago, and greeted her asking about her experience in her clinic so far. We discussed challenges and triumphs and then jumped into the material.

Who knew, we were in the right place...this was the right time...and she was the right person? 

Well, Someone knew.

Somehow during one of the breaks, we started to talk about stress and it's effect on health and things of that nature.

And lo and behold, the student became the teacher.

Her passion for this topic that she is able to travel throughout our company and present to other departments, as well as travel throughout the nation to lecture on, just spilled over and you better believe I was right there wiping it all up.

Please understand that what I share next is extraordinarily paraphrased. I know nothing about the science behind this, so don't ask me any questions.

As she dove into her explanation about how thoughts are chemical and they are transmitted into energy, I was more than intrigued. I was enamored. It all made perfect sense, yet I had never learned it in this aspect before.

She asked if I felt if opposites attract?

I giggled, thinking of my experiences thus far, but she looked right at me and said, "No, I'm really asking you. What do you think?"

".....I don't even know," I stammered.

She then explained why the answer is {opposites do not attract.} She went into an illustration of placing a negative magnet and a positive magnet on a table and said "you call me when they come together, because you'll be sitting a long time."

"Thoughts are magnetic," she went on. "They only attract their likeness." The idea of opposites attract is null and void here. "So positive thoughts attract positivity, negative attracts negativity."

So you mean to tell me that my negative thoughts are not going to bring me positive energy?

Well, duh. I've heard this a million different ways, it just never clicked quite like this.

Just because I don't say my negative thoughts out loud doesn't mean they aren't festering inside, spreading to and taking over the positive thoughts like a cancer (really, like a cancer...we talked about the link between cancer and heart disease and thoughts and energies) causing decay.

If everything is energy, that includes thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are energy, too.

She went on to explain that if you have a negative thought, jealousy, worry, or fear, that neurotransmitter will be created in it's likeness and it will be a negative energy. That chemical messenger will transmit into the cells in the body, and that is what turns our cells into pathogens.

Fascinating. But again, don't ask me to expand on that explanation. 

So what do we do about these negative thoughts and feelings? 

What happens when we pray and pray and they don't seem to leave?

When we consciously tell ourselves, I know I am blessed and I have so much for which to be grateful, yet the thoughts still plague us?

Without me even asking the question out loud, she answered.

"The brain can't process no's and don't's, so when you have a negative thought, saying 'I don't want to think that' will not work. You just change it into a positive thought.

Her approach is not spiritual, but you can't dare tell me it doesn't apply.

"Set your mind on things above, 

not on earthly things." 

Colossians 3:2 (NLT)

Before you get all Holy Ghost on me, I am not opening up a theological debate. Nor am I suggesting a "Name It and Claim It" deal. 

I am simply sharing what God opened my eyes to today in the event that someone else reading this had a vulnerable moment (or a few), too, and needs to remember that science and faith are not mutually exclusive and that God created us in such a way that the intricate details of our very existence all point to the very things we believe. 

God's promises are in the Kingdom of Heaven. By His stripes we are healed (Isaiah 53) may not be witnessed on this side of eternity, but it will happen. Does that mean we stop believing for it? Absolutely not!

Harping on negativity does not please God. No, God is pleased when we believe His word, when our faith in Him multiplies because of His faithfulness to us, because of His love for us.

We often refer to the following verse in regards to the fear and power portion, but we often (at least I'll admit, I often) pay no attention to the last two words.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear,

but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV, emphasis added)

Let us forget no longer.

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The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth (Part II)

If you haven't yet read Part I of this post (The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth), things will make a lot more sense if you go back and do that. Click on either of the links above. They're in pink. No rush, I'm learning patience. 

Read it? Welcome back.

As I was saying, praising God and asking the Spirit to break out at the beginning of the trip gave Him the room to do exactly that. 

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The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth (Part I)

Our Father

All of Heaven roars Your name

Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise 

Can you hear it?

The sound of Heaven touching Earth 

The sound of Heaven touching Earth

"Spirit Break Out," Jesus Culture

This past week I experienced Heaven touching Earth. Only by the amazing grace of God was I blessed with the opportunity to witness His glory face to face with the beautiful orphans, students in a school for the slums, and the villagers of India. I have many posts and pictures coming soon. 

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Kiosks and Cocoons

20 minute drive at 4:30am to a friend's house.
15 minute drive to the airport.
Check in at the kio....wait, missing a passport.
Wait for team member to speed home to retrieve precious entry document.
Check in at the kio...wait, it's too late to check in for the flight?
It can't be too late.
God's Grace.
Check in at kiosk.
Arrive at gate.
Short flight to Dulles.
Quick layover. Breakfast. Sprint to next gate.
12 hour plane ride to Dubai.
6 hour layover. Excitement building. Awareness of culture deepening.
Quick lunch.
Sprint to next gate.
How are we sprinting again?
3.5 hour flight to India.

India.

INDIA.

Why India?

Because we were sent.

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Forgotten Dreams

Dreams.

I have them often. And when I say often I mean every night for months on end and then maybe I'll get a break for a while.

There are a billion resources to help guide you in analyzing and interpreting your dreams. You hear all types of things about dreams. Don't eat right before you go to sleep. What certain dreams mean. So forth and so on. But as Joseph said (Genesis 40:8), interpreting dreams is God's business. 

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Are You a Control Freak?

My mama said I need to start posting more frequently. I guess waiting every few months for a less than stellar glimpse into my mind was proving anti-climatic, so for the three people who read this other than my mom, you are welcome. :) 

I would like to start this post by declaring that I am not a control freak. I'm really not. Things just work SO MUCH BETTER when I am in control. Let's be real.

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Gravity: It Is Well

Truly I tell you, 

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of Mine, 

you did for Me.

Matthew 25:40

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, 

if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? 

Can such faith save him? 

Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 

If one of you says to him, 

‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ 

but does nothing about his physical needs, 

what good is it? 

In the same way, faith by itself, 

if it is not accompanied by action, 

is dead.

James 2:14-17

A very wise young lady posted on Facebook, "I believe in God like I believe in the sun. Not only can I see the sun, but by it I see all other things."

Oh, how this has rang true for me. By Him, I am able to see how beautiful even the most wretched things of this world can be. Through Him, I can see how I play a part in either making them worse or better.

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