Those Who Have Never Been Told Will See

"Better to love God and die unknown than to love the world and be a hero; 

better to be content with poverty than to die a slave to wealth; 

better to have taken some risks and lost than to have done nothing and succeeded at it."

- Erwin Lutzer

It has been over a month since my last post, but that's not for lack of content to write about. 

In fact, life has nearly knocked the wind out of me and some days I'm not sure which way is up. While completing my assignment last night for my missions agency, I realized that I hadn't yet shared what God is up to, other than the conversations I have been able to have in person with a few of my close friends and family.

Yes, you read that right. Missions agency.

I have a missions agency, y'all!

I have officially been accepted as an appointee with SIM, an incredible international missions organization that has over 1,600 missionaries from 30 different nations serving in more than 60 countries. They live and breathe by Revelation 7:9, "After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands."

2nd Flo Single Ladies...and John...at SIMStart. I'll leave your nickname out of this one!

Though I was unaware at the time I began exploring a partnership with SIM, this was one of the many things God used to confirm His call and that He will protect me in this journey.

Ever since I said yes, God has been shaping and molding me and Satan has been equally busy distracting and destructing. But we all know that what he means for evil, God will use for His glory. So I'm learning more than ever to count it all joy.

I've spent my days meeting with recruiters from SIM, as well as meeting with a sweet family who is moving to India to explore the possibility of going back with them, partnering with missionaries with whom they will be serving in one of the most dense states in all of India.

I took the longest Scantron assessment of my life, but I learned that I'm not as crazy as I should be. 

I, along with many of you faithful friends, spent many hours praying for clarity, for direction, for peace, and for doors to be opened and closed appropriately.

I questioned. I doubted. And finally, last month at our four-day orientation, as I sat across a group of other young, unmarried, childless women who are all giving up their "American dreams" to move across the world I realized (again) that I have the greatest honor and privilege I could ever be given, and I yearn to share about the Person who has given me this honor and privilege to others. 

The One who continuously loves me and forgives me and teaches me no matter how bad I screw up (which is pretty bad and pretty often). 

The Father who makes me want to die empty so that others can be filled. 

So, funny story: I'm not actually going back to India. 

After many prayers over returning to India with SIM, with Joyce Meyer Ministries (with whom my church partnered for the short-term trip) or serving with the family I had met with several times (even though I share their passion for the work of which they will be a part) I did not feel God calling me back there. 

Pending confirmation from the field director, however, I will be moving to Lima, Peru next year!

Lima, Peru. 

South A-freaking-merica. 

The closest I've been was a short-term exchange program in high school where we stayed in Olmue, Chile and hiked the Andes Mountains. An incredible experience in itself, but it had absolutely nothing to do with missions. And pretty much nothing to do with Peru.

You can imagine that this, too, came with some unexpected fights. Yes, I fought with God. I yelled at Him again, because I clearly don't learn the first time. There were days I didn't pray at all. I just sat in a state of confusion. But the one thing I did right was listen. I listened to God, and oh, did He speak. And my prayers, did He answer. He closed doors...firmly. He turned deadbolts. He locked windows. He answered. And He gave me an incredible peace about the door that was wide open, the door I never would have chosen, the door He chose for me.

Though it is the furthest thing from what I am equipped to do, it is the most beautiful opportunity and I know I will only be able to complete this assignment by pressing into Jesus. And if that's not what this is all about, well then there's no point leaving in the first place.

So now I spend my days, between my two jobs and some semblance of a life, completing assignments for my missions classes and watching videos and planning outreach activities and preparing for this idea that has become a reality. I won't be leaving until Spring of next year (hopefully!), but life has drastically changed.

I mentioned in my post announcing my decision that I was terrified. And that was true. But since then I have been reminded over and over again that when God created me there were a lot of things He left out, and one of those is the spirit of fear. Thank God I don't have to attach myself to that spirit of fear.

"My ambition has always been to preach the Good News

where the name of Christ has never been heard,

rather than where a church has already been started by someone else.

I have been following the plan spoken of in the Scriptures,

where it says,

'Those who have never been told about him will see,

and those who have never heard of him will understand.'"

Romans 15:20-21

I'll be posting soon about what I'll actually be doing between the Amazon and Machu Picchu so don't be a stranger.

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Take My Heart, Take All that I Am

Beautiful God

Laying Your majesty aside

You reached out in love to show me life

Lifted from darkness into light

"Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United is one of my absolute favorite songs. So much that I’m surprised I haven’t included it in a previous post. In fact, I actually may have. But if you don’t remember either, we’ll call today’s the first and keep whatever secret that may or may not exist between us.

There are many things that rock my world these crazy days. One of those things is how Siri works. No wires in sight, how do you understand me, freak machine? One is solar-powered energy. I can’t even…..Another one is how much Siri doesn’t work. I paid way too much for you to change things I would NEVER say and that NEVER fit into a sentence and call it autocorrect. Fool.

But another thing that rocks my world time and time again is how much God trusts me.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why God trusts me so much when I keep proving that I trust Him so little. 

He blesses me. He teaches me. He waits for me. He listens to me. And then He blesses me again.

And it’s not just about material blessings. In fact, so often it is much deeper than that.

This week, several of my blessings have come in the form of lessons while praying for others. He trusts me to pray for His children. And I suck at it.

A dear friend of mine reached out to me asking me to lift up her youngest daughter and her recent clingy nature. This friend, who is an absolutely incredible wife, mother and ministry leader, is already struggling with guilt in regards to spending a great deal of time away from her beautiful children, and with the youngest’s regression into this “hold me in your womb at all times” phase, she is fighting with the enemy all the more.

As I’m praying for this precious child and her wearied mama, that God would release all negative emotions and break the strongholds of guilt and shame from Mama’s heart while at the same time wrapping up that baby in the biggest blanket of love so that she never doubts her place in her earthly family or in God’s, I hear one thing over and over: you should cling to Me that way.

Ouch. Dang God. I’m trying to be all holy and pray for someone else….is this really the time for convictions?

But He’s right (as if there’s ever a possibility that God is wrong). I should be clingy with God. I should be so desperate to remain attached to my Heavenly Father that the second there is even the slightest chance of separation I fall into such a state of despair that I have to readjust my entire perspective.

And I’m not. I’m far from clingy. I talk to God. Well, mostly these days I beg and I whine. I plead with Him to help lead me away from temptation and then I complain about not having what others have.

Will I ever get it together?

Probably not, because my same sweet sister in Christ reached out to me yesterday asking me to join her in praying for another friend who caught her husband in an ongoing intimate relationship with someone else. My heart broke for this woman. Shattered in pieces. Her circumstance surrounding this situation, her family, the decisions she has to make….I couldn’t handle it.

And so I prayed for her. All day. Whenever I thought of her. I prayed that the reality and the rawness did not smother her, and that even though it hurt more than I could ever imagine she would be able to see Jesus’s face throughout this ordeal. I prayed for her child. I prayed for comfort everlasting to envelope her in those tender moments when she wakes up in the morning and remembers that this is real life, even though she wishes it were just a nightmare. And then I set a reminder to pray for her all throughout the next few days, because that’s what Christians do, right?

Except my reminder said: "pray for friend whose husband is an adulterer."

What is wrong with me?!

Literally, while praying, I wanted to physically harm someone and was completely unapologetic about it.

Now, I’ll be the first to tell you, I ain’t no saint. And I can guarantee, if you’ve been around me for more than 7 and 1/2 minutes, you already know the same. But when God reminded me how absolutely broken I am, and how in my judgment of this man who is tearing his family apart, I am in as much need of grace as he is, I could do nothing but thank the Lord.

I am grateful for these painful moments for the sole purpose that they serve to push us straight into the arms of our loving Savior.

I am grateful for the experiences that show us the reason the only place we can run to is towards God because that’s the only place we need to run.

I am grateful for these times that suck so terribly bad, because they are the only place life is reborn.

And I am grateful for rebirth.

Good Lord, I am thankful for rebirth.
And though I spent the morning beating myself up for being a terrible pray-er, I spent the evening watching the rebirth of my purpose. 

Tonight I began training for my part time gig at this awesome Wine Bar to save money for Uganda. And while I was teaching a beautiful Caucasian woman with long curly hair how I twist my curly hair into an updo (read: upmess, but she liked it) -- right after I internally judged her for what I interpreted as a snobby attitude -- and I was explaining that “yes, I’m literally selling wine to fund my trip to share about Jesus…I know the paradox is uncanny, but can I get an AMEN!” I remembered how much Jesus loves to meet us where we are. 

He meets us when we’re clingy. 

He meets us when we’re independent. 

He meets us when we’re cheating. 

He meets us when we’re judging. 

He meets us when we’re hurting. 

He meets us when we’re broken. 

He meets us and He looks us in the eyes and says, “I love you, still."

And I find myself here on my knees again

Caught up in grace like an avalanche

Nothing compares to this love

Love

Love

Burning in my heart

*If you've never heard this song, listen now!

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I said YES!

When God moves, He moves mightily.

Remember that time I said I didn't know where God was calling me, but I knew it was to missions? 

Remember how I asked you to pray those "unsafe" prayers with me? Well thanks, friends, because God has answered.

Guess what this season of preparation is for....

About six months ago I shared with my Life Group a prayer that had been resting in my spirit to become more bold in Christ, to step into the calling He has placed on my life a faith bursting from within. 

Ever since then, I have been drenched in confirmations everywhere I turn, and each time I ask for another one -- Are you sure this is what you want me to do, Father? -- I'm sure God either laughs at me or shakes His head in exasperation, but He obliges and puts someone else in my path to whisper or shout what He has already spoken.

Meetings on meetings on meetings. So many meetings. Forms every day. So much paperwork. So many questions. Dumb amounts of emails. Prayer on prayer on prayer. Beautiful prayer warriors lifting me up each day. Whispering God's truth in my ears at all times. Praying for me when I couldn't pray for myself. When I was mad at God for asking me to do this. Conversations. Fasts. Tears. Belting out worship songs. Arguments with family members. Celebrations with friends.

God gave me the choice. I could have said "No."

I still can.

But why would I dare?

If all God has done for me this far in my life is all He ever did for the rest of my time on this side of Heaven, that is more than enough. 

And I need to share that with someone who needs to hear it.

So, I'm quitting my job, selling my junk and becoming a missionary.

In addition to that (as if that's not enough), while praying through the opportunities presented before me in regards to my long-term commitment, there was another opportunity presented for a short-term trip exactly to the place my mother shared she felt I was called to go back in January, doing exactly what I wrote about before: Africa, serving women and children.

I'm well aware of how insane this looks to those looking from the outside in, those who haven't lived closely with me over the past few years. 

I understand that to those who have also never experienced the call for missions themselves to go and serve -- because ALL of us are called to missions, but many of us are called to stay and serve, and/or to send -- this may seem absolutely foolish and borderline irresponsible.

I get it. It seems that way to me. In fact, I have cried out to God, many, many times. 

Are you sure, God? 

How is this possible? 

Why are you asking me? 

Don't you know what else I have going on in my life? 

Newsflash: He does know. He knows, because He is making it all happen.

And then one night on my couch, selfishly drowning in my sorrows with Chinese food, red wine, and gross tissues crumpled on the carpet at my feet, it hit me: I'd rather look foolish for God than be foolish for man. 

I'd rather give God the opportunity to show up and show out in such a miraculous way that only He could get the glory because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I can do this on my own. 

I'd rather do that than pat myself on the back for attaining everything I set out to accomplish in my own human strength.

Quite frankly, I wasn't created to climb the corporate ladder. I absolutely love my job, and I am so grateful for the opportunities it has afforded me. But if you want me to tell you the truth, I could care less about teaching a computer system.

When I think of the precious women with whom I will get to share God's love and tell them that they are treasured and that He sees them and adores them just the way they are, when I think about the darling orphans that I get to love on because they may have never heard that they were loved before -- that is when my heart really starts beating, that is when I truly feel alive. There is no salary and no benefits to match that.

God did not save me for me to sit on my couch. 

God did not save me to hoard His love for myself.

God saved me so that I could share His love with others. God saved me to give me the opportunity, if I so choose, to partner with Him and participate in His wonders and glory as He saves others and calls them to experience the freedom that comes from accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior.

There is no sin dark enough to keep us from God, all we have to do is run straight to Him. For that I am thankful, because my sin pretty closely resembles midnight.

God will rescue you from abandonment.

God will rescue you from abuse.

God will rescue you from alcoholism.

God will rescue you from depression.

God will heal your body.

God will heal your heart.

God WILL provide for your every, single need.

And I know this, because He has done all of those things for me.

As a product of adoption, and then later divorce, I know what it is like to grow up feeling abandoned. Especially in seeing my birth parents several times a year and feeling completely unwanted. Thankfully, I had an incredible mom who worked her ass off to make sure I knew I was loved.

As a victim of emotional abuse and later sexual assault, I know what it is like to feel used and unworthy.

As an abuser of alcohol, I know what it feels like to consciously make unhealthy decision after unhealthy decision just to numb the pain and assert "control" in your life.

As a sufferer of depression, I know what it's like to wake up and feel like you have absolutely nothing to live for so you just go back to sleep.

Unmarried, without children and giving up my corporate job is not where I imagined my life at twenty-five.

But entirely living for Christ, trusting Him for every thing I could ever need, and accepting this call, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
To keep the glory of God's rescue and redemption to myself, to not share that with His children all over the globe, to not love them as He has loved me, that is the darkest sin.

You won't catch me tying God's hands behind His back because He wants to give me a gift that my fear and anxiety won't let me accept.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of quitting my incredible job to leave the only life I've ever known.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of asking people for money to support this call. So.Much.Money. What?!

But as I lay my dreams at His feet, I have no doubt that He will bring the desires that He has placed in my heart to fruition in the perfect time.

More so, I am incredibly BLOWN AWAY that God trusts me enough to ask me to do it, and I'm humbled enough by His faithfulness to say YES.

"And then he told them,

'Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved.

But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned.

These miraculous signs will accompany those who believe:

They will cast out demons in my name,

and they will speak in new languages."

Mark 16:15-17 (NLT)

*I'm next to the lady in yellow, Mom :)

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The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth (Part II)

If you haven't yet read Part I of this post (The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth), things will make a lot more sense if you go back and do that. Click on either of the links above. They're in pink. No rush, I'm learning patience. 

Read it? Welcome back.

As I was saying, praising God and asking the Spirit to break out at the beginning of the trip gave Him the room to do exactly that. 

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The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth (Part I)

Our Father

All of Heaven roars Your name

Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise 

Can you hear it?

The sound of Heaven touching Earth 

The sound of Heaven touching Earth

"Spirit Break Out," Jesus Culture

This past week I experienced Heaven touching Earth. Only by the amazing grace of God was I blessed with the opportunity to witness His glory face to face with the beautiful orphans, students in a school for the slums, and the villagers of India. I have many posts and pictures coming soon. 

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Kiosks and Cocoons

20 minute drive at 4:30am to a friend's house.
15 minute drive to the airport.
Check in at the kio....wait, missing a passport.
Wait for team member to speed home to retrieve precious entry document.
Check in at the kio...wait, it's too late to check in for the flight?
It can't be too late.
God's Grace.
Check in at kiosk.
Arrive at gate.
Short flight to Dulles.
Quick layover. Breakfast. Sprint to next gate.
12 hour plane ride to Dubai.
6 hour layover. Excitement building. Awareness of culture deepening.
Quick lunch.
Sprint to next gate.
How are we sprinting again?
3.5 hour flight to India.

India.

INDIA.

Why India?

Because we were sent.

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Forgotten Dreams

Dreams.

I have them often. And when I say often I mean every night for months on end and then maybe I'll get a break for a while.

There are a billion resources to help guide you in analyzing and interpreting your dreams. You hear all types of things about dreams. Don't eat right before you go to sleep. What certain dreams mean. So forth and so on. But as Joseph said (Genesis 40:8), interpreting dreams is God's business. 

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Are You a Control Freak?

My mama said I need to start posting more frequently. I guess waiting every few months for a less than stellar glimpse into my mind was proving anti-climatic, so for the three people who read this other than my mom, you are welcome. :) 

I would like to start this post by declaring that I am not a control freak. I'm really not. Things just work SO MUCH BETTER when I am in control. Let's be real.

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Gravity: It Is Well

Truly I tell you, 

whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of Mine, 

you did for Me.

Matthew 25:40

What good is it, my brothers and sisters, 

if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? 

Can such faith save him? 

Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. 

If one of you says to him, 

‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ 

but does nothing about his physical needs, 

what good is it? 

In the same way, faith by itself, 

if it is not accompanied by action, 

is dead.

James 2:14-17

A very wise young lady posted on Facebook, "I believe in God like I believe in the sun. Not only can I see the sun, but by it I see all other things."

Oh, how this has rang true for me. By Him, I am able to see how beautiful even the most wretched things of this world can be. Through Him, I can see how I play a part in either making them worse or better.

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Wonderful, Fearful People

If you've never heard me talk about Emeli Sandé there's a chance we're not true friends. I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but my borderline obsession hasn't broken since I was first introduced to her artistry summer of 2012 and you're not going to come between that.

Someone asked me recently what took me so long to write. I don’t have an answer, other than I just wasn’t ready. I was journaling privately, but I wasn’t ready to share my thoughts publicly for many reasons.

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Praise

Someone recently asked me how I'm "doing so well with all of this." All of what? I started to respond, defensively. But then I realized what they meant. All of this tunnel season I'm experiencing. In need of a job and a place to live and I'm actually still living life? I "look so happy" in my pictures. I seem to be "doing so much." There must be some crazy secret to my glory, right? 

Let me first express the disclaimer that, while all intentions were good, those are some of the most obnoxious statements ever. 

I don't look happy in my pictures, I am happy; I am filled with joy.

I'm not busy for the sake of being busy; I am enjoying life with my loved ones because the gift of each day is what keeps me going and to waste it depressed in bed would be a sin against God.

Pity is disrespectful. If you feel sorry for someone, in any situation, please stop. If you feel burdened to pray for them, do that. But don't pity them. It's gross.

Anyway, here is my answer. This is not a fantastic post sharing life lessons God is teaching me, though I will update soon because He is doing some magnificent things.

Today I just want to answer this question, and it is simple: I refuse to look at anything as less than a blessing.

The call in the morning to substitute: a blessing of provision.
No calls in the morning: a blessing of rest.
Another correspondence alerting me of a company's decision to hire someone else: a blessing of protection. 

Interruptions: blessings of the Holy Spirit, reminders that my plans have nothing on God's plans.
Blessings, blessings, blessings.
In everything there is a blessing. You just have to choose to seek and accept.

So I give thanks.
Always.
Every day.
Throughout each day.
When I am extremely grateful.
When I don't understand anything.
When I don't feel like it.
Giving thanks for all of my circumstances.
Praising God for what He's done in my past.
Praising God for what He has already done in my future.
Praising, praising, praising.

That is how I'm "doing so well with all of this."

Thank you for asking.

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NavigationGod: Not Your Typical New Year's Post, Part II

If you’re coming over from NavigationGod: Not Your Typical New Year’s Post, Part I, welcome! Jump right in. If not, you may want to head over and read that first, to get your bearings with this installment (all puns intended).

 

As I got over the whole GPS unnecessary re-calculation bit, I found myself chuckling at the way God reveals life lessons using the most basic situations. I love how He truly meets us where we are. I whispered a prayer of gratitude, turned up my music, and set out to enjoy the ride.

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When Innocents Die

In the wake of the Connecticut tragedy I have been thinking a lot about the death of innocents. I cannot imagine what state of mind someone would have to be in to murder children in cold blood, listening to their panicked cries before taking life...or death...into their own hands. 

I am choosing the strong language not because of insensitivity but because I want the weight of the situation to mess us up inside. There is no way to make talking about this more comfortable, nor should there be, but I feel that is what we search for. 

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What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I'm beginning my last week of independent study before the madness of my field training begins and I've never felt more…cwkfafepasdkfjawe.

Each day I ride feelings of breathtaking excitement and sheer panic just as easy as surfers ride the waves in the ocean. I feel completely bipolar, yet I'm eerily ok with that.

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Change - Part 2

If you read Part I of this post, you are probably writhing in dire suspense to learn what my big announcement is. Don’t fret. The wait is over.

[For anyone reading this post who doesn’t know me please recognize that statement is completely saturated in sarcasm. I, in no way, shape or form, think I am nearly important enough nor interesting enough for people to hang on the edge of their seats. Most people who read this blog, however, do know me, and it is written with them as the audience in mind, so saddle up if you’re going to stick around and get all up in my business.]

-------------------

I am officially transitioning from my job as the College Ministry Director at my church to a lateral entry training program to become a high school educator.

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Change - Part 1

"Change is good."

People like me want to punch people who say things like that in the sidethroat. I'm not a proponent of violence, but I'm also not entirely in favor of change.

Change can be good. Just in recent history (recent as in the past few centuries), we've seen amazing changes that have positively affected people. From slavery to emancipation, women's rights, minority rights, technological advances, mission work, and so on, changing people's circumstances and situations for the better have impacted their lives in ways mostly indescribable.

Even still, I prefer this quote from Mark Twain:

“The only person who likes change is a wet baby.”

I find that much more accurate.

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Hope, Faith, Raindrops and Checkbooks

Have you ever taken notice of the rain? I mean really sat and watched it. Not like when you’re driving and trying not to hydroplane or running from your car to your front door, trying not to get soaked.

Yesterday, after trying not to hydroplane and before determining the best opportunity to do a mad dash from my driver's seat to my porch, I just sat in my car and watched the rain. It was the first day in many months I was not in a rush to get somewhere else after work, so I just sat. I watched. Then I closed my eyes. I listened. I smelled. I quieted my soul. For the first time in a while, both my mind and my body were stilled.

When I was driving, clearly aware of the rain but not specifically paying attention to it, it seemed like each drop had a purpose. They were being driven intentionally into the soil, on the pavement, rolling clumsily off my car.

As I gathered my things and ran into my home, I stood in front of my glass sliding doors and looked out. This time, it seemed like the rain was literally free-falling from the sky. Like each drop had no idea where it would land, but nonetheless it fell.

Sometimes I feel like those raindrops. There are days where I feel like my purpose and intention is clearly defined. Others I feel like I am one of many who are falling without direction, only to bring relief wherever – and whenever – I land.

"For just as rain and snow fall from heaven

and do not return there without saturating the earth

and making it germinate and sprout, 

and providing seed to sow and food to eat,

so My word that comes from My mouth

will not return to Me empty, 

but it will accomplish what I please 

and will prosper in what I send it to do."

Isaiah 55:10-11 (HCSB)

Oh, how thankful I am for God’s Word. As I sat in my favorite chair, reflecting on His goodness and laying my burdens at His feet in this time of certain uncertainty, God gave me a song. And as I sang to Him, He spoke:

Lead me to the cross, 

where Your love poured out.

Bring me to my knees,

Lord, I lay me down.

Rid me of myself,

I belong to You.

Oh, lead me.

Still singing, I opened my eyes and looked directly at a box on my bookshelf. Suddenly I realized, that’s where my checkbooks are! You see, I moved in May, and I haven’t been able to find my checkbooks since then. Well, truthfully I didn’t realize I wasn’t able to find them until a few weeks ago, but since then I had looked everywhere imaginable. Everywhere except this box. During this time I was never really worried, primarily because I still had several checks left in my current book, but I knew I would be in trouble if I didn’t find them soon.

It seems silly, but in that moment all other cares fell away. I had my checkbooks. I hadn’t even been looking for them, but when I stopped to praise God in the midst of other things going on, He showed them to me. He directed me to my very cleverly organized, yet easily forgotten, location.

And in the very next moment God whispered “You keep looking for things in the wrong places. Seek me and I will show you everything else you are looking for.”

Truth.

It is a hard truth, but it is truth. The things I am searching for in my relationships are to be found in Christ alone. The things I am searching for in my job, in my purpose, in my life….can only be found when I seek Christ.

My friend Lindsay recently wrote a blog post about hope. In it, she posed a question I have found myself teetering on either end of the optimism-pessimism scale: 

Why get your hopes up when something might not work out? 

I have struggled with this in the margins of my faith for many years.

Am I lacking faith by not allowing my wildest dreams to blossom or am I just being realistic by stifling emotion tied to the unlikely?

God can do the impossible. God has done the impossible. God will do the impossible. If I believe in Him, I have to believe in that.

But should I live a life full of unprecedented hope, only to continuously and repeatedly be let down?

Or should I just keep on trekking, never expecting more than greatness, so I can always be pleasantly surprised when something amazing happens?

Lindsay goes on: "So what you've lived in hope. Isn't that better than living in fear?"

Why yes, my Starbucks Sista, yes it is. Infinitely better.

GUT CHECK.

The Proverbs 31 woman is one of elegance and grace, of faith and virtue. Though I am not currently in a season of wifery or motherhood, there are many things I can strive for in becoming as close to a Proverbs 31 woman as I’ll get.

This one specific verse in that famous passage is my fervent prayer for this season:

"She is clothed with strength and dignity, 

and she laughs without fear of the future." 

Proverbs 31:25 (NLT)

I pray I am able to recognize that I am being intentionally sent 

to water seeds God has planted,

accomplishing what He pleases and prospering in His plans,

that it is not in my purpose to return from where I have come

but to go forward with high hopes in the One who is Lord, 

and to laugh with Him in the most fearless manner

at the future He has prepared for me,

all while giving continuous praise.

This is my prayer for this season o’ transition.

What is yours?

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let Your eyes be open

My friend and cubicle-mate has been gracious enough to let me check out some of her Bible study materials for the College Ministry. Going through this Nehemiah book study, I was immediately struck by two concepts in just the first day's reading.

My heart was captured and my mind focused first from Nehemiah's response to the news of Jerusalem's destruction in Chapter 1.

"When I heard these words, I sat down and wept. I mourned for a number of days, fasting and praying before the God of heaven."

Nehemiah 1:4, HCSB

 

Nehemiah sat down and wept. He stopped what he was doing and allowed himself to feel despair, letting his emotions take over appropriately. Nehemiah was not concerned with hiding his feelings in light of his status as cupbearer to the king, rather his concern rested in those who were hurting, lost, and impacted by the destruction of a sacred city.  

Nehemiah didn't just stay in that place of darkness, though. He turned straight to God. He didn't ask his brother, who delivered the news, what could be done. Nehemiah set himself right before the Lord and then went to Him in prayer.

Too often I feel that we sweep important things under the rug and we go about our day for the sake of productivity with an "out of sight, out of mind" attitude. Even when we do acknowledge tragedy, it is not in our nature to dwell on it. There's no use crying over spilt milk, right? We have almost become desensitized to heartbreak because devastation is so prevalent -- an unfortunate sign of the times. But I am concerned that the joy many of us claim may not be as authentic as the Lord desires for us, because in an effort to self-protect we do not allow ourselves to truly experience pain. And how can you truly know joy if you have not known pain? I am not at all suggesting that we wallow in despair, but if there is anything I have learned in the past few years it is the truth that ignoring an issue does not make it disappear. Furthermore, acknowledging an issue without acknowledging and accepting your feelings about that issue creates much more suffering than necessary on down the road.

This leads into the second thing that struck me while reading this passage: how Nehemiah prayed. He began and finished his prayer by revering and honoring the Lord, confessing his sins and then boldly bringing forth his petitions to God. This very much reminds me of the ACTS acrostic the senior pastor of my church refers to when teaching on prayer.

A - Adoration
C - Confession
T - Thanksgiving
S - Supplication

"Yahweh, the God of heaven, the great and awe-inspiring God who keeps His gracious covenant with those who love Him and keep His commands, let Your eyes be open and Your ears be attentive to hear Your servant's prayer that I now pray to You day and night for Your servants, the Israelites."

Nehemiah 1:5-6, HCSB 

Nehemiah's heart was aligned with God's. He was not interested in personal gain. He remembered God's promises and prayed them -- not for himself -- but for others in order to glorify His king.

I don't know about you, but my prayers this morning started like this:
Lord, thank you for waking me up this morning. Thank you for [listed many blessings].  

Then it turned into: Help me do ____, show me _____, pull me through _____, give me ____. I ended it with the classic, "be it Your will," which I was pretty sure covered me.

It doesn't take a literary genius to recognize that there were a whole lot of "me" petitions in that prayer.

Nehemiah reminded me of some things I had allowed to fall into the back of my mind, though. These reminders re-shaped my prayers and I'm certain re-shaped my day going forward. I hope it does the same for you. 

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