For Those Who Are Not Racist

This is not a post condemning nor excusing racists or racist behavior. If that's what you came here for, I want to save you from wasting your time and tell you to read no further.

This is specifically for people who are so non-discriminatory that they don't recognize their own privilege. White privilege. Male privilege. Adult privilege. Whatever it is that places you "above" another human being in society, whether intentional or not.

I thought I had avoided having to write on this topic. I thought I had shared enough posts and videos from other people that echoed my sentiments to where my stance was made clear without having to use my own words.

As God continues to mold me, I am coming to terms with the phrase I was wrong. I am also very sensitive to the promptings when I am called to be silent and when I am called to speak.

Scrolling through Facebook the past few weeks, as when anything racial or political drives social media interaction, I have seen many posts from people that have both surprised and hurt me. Particularly from other people who profess Christianity. I have been relatively silent. I have wrestled with removing people from my friend's list for the sake of preservation and keeping them with the prayer that my actions and the collective action of other Christ-followers will demonstrate that not everyone fits the stereotype they are arguing about.

Last year, I wrote this post about the Trayvon Martin verdict.  I still feel the same way today that I did when I wrote that, except maybe a little more disappointed because it has taken countless more deaths for any action to take place.

Christianity, the whole dagum thing, the message of the Gospel, is about grace. Grace. That is it. If you understand the concept of grace, you understand what Jesus Christ died for. 

Because much grace is given to me in my very sinful nature, I am required to extend much grace to others and God gives me ample opportunity to practice that.

Recently, I was having dinner with a group of people I love dearly. When asked about specific prayer requests I had for this season, one of mine was guidance and clarity on what my living situation will be for the additional three months I will now be staying in America after my lease is up in February.

As kind of a joke, one of the people I was dining with offered for me to stay in their guest bedroom and help watch their children. It was cute and could have been left there.

In the same joking tone, this person (who is white) continued by saying "If we had them call you Aunt Jemima would that help?"

I must stop here because I want every eye reading this to recognize that this person is not racist. This person is an incredibly talented leader, gifted communicator, theologically sound Christian and generally a fun person to be around. This is a person I respect immensely, and whose own story of redemption and restoration has given me much encouragement over the years. This person loves with one of the biggest hearts I've ever seen and I count it an honor to know him.

The thing is, in this day there are so many people who aren't racist that they have no idea the weight of their words to those who experience discrimination. There are so many people who don't see color that they make those of us who are full of color, essentially colorless.

In that moment, I had a choice to make. I could have chosen to be offended. It was well within my right. I could have chosen to speak on the topic immediately. Or I could  have chosen to continue the conversation. I chose the last option, succinctly saying "that definitely wouldn't help" and closing the gap in the air, though to know me is to know I had to work hard to regain immediate composure of my facial expressions.

I had a choice to make, and it was mine to make. I did not chose this out of fear, but out of grace. I looked at the factors -- we were in the middle of a restaurant and young children were also at the table -- and the circumstances and the history of my relationship with the person who said this. I honestly can tell you that I truly don't think he even knew what he said. You may have chosen to act differently. That's the beautiful thing about free will.

The thing about grace is it has nothing to do with me. I didn't extend grace because that person deserved it. I didn't extend it to be the bigger person, to be a "good Christian." I extended it because of the very fact that I don't deserve it, yet the Lord delivers it to me in abundance. I have had so much worse said and done to me. Yet the Lord says if we do not forgive, He will not forgive us (Matthew 6:15). And let me tell you, I need a whole lot of forgiveness. 

So because of what God has done for me, I can rest knowing He will handle the details. Resting doesn't remove the pain, resting doesn't numb the pain, resting just assures you that the pain will not always be there.

There's something else important about grace that needs to be said: grace doesn't excuse behavior. I have suffered many consequences for my sinful actions, in the midst of receiving grace. Grace doesn't say you get away with this, grace allows God to step in and fill the space with His truth. 

One of the messages I read from a Facebook friend illustrated just how much of the mark is being missed right now. She is a Christian, served our nation and currently teaches in a low-income high-need school. She is also white, but if anyone understood what is going on, I thought she would. Yet her statement regarding a picture of protesters holding up signs that said "Black Lives Matter" was that all lives matter, children should be taught respect and the issues would disappear.

A popular comedian tweeted recently, "Do people who change #BlackLivesMatter to #AllLivesMatter run thru a cancer fundraiser going "THERE ARE OTHER DISEASES TOO"

That's the point. All lives do matter. But the lives that are in black and brown bodies seem to have to scream a little louder to be heard. Work harder to receive the same credit. Go above and beyond to prove we are not a threat.

All lives do matter.

But the lives that are in female bodies have to dress a little more modest to avoid unwanted advances from males. I was wearing jeans and a crew neck t-shirt the first time I was attacked. What's your next suggestion? 

All lives do matter.

But the lives that you can't hold yet, even though they have hearts beating and limbs forming and brains developing, those lives that may be just an inconvenience, have to be sacrificed so you can live the life you planned before the consequence arrived.

All lives do matter.

But the lives that live in bodies that do things differently than I would, that don't practice things that I think they should, are pushed out of communities of love supposedly in the name of Christ.

You cannot say that all lives matter and not stand for every single one.

So the issue isn't which lives matter. 

The issue is how are you going to use yours.

How are you going to influence the lives that are under your care?

How are you going to stand up for the lives that matter?

Because that's every single one, whether you've experienced what they've been through or not.

The biggest piece of advice I have is to follow Scripture directly.

Do not tell those who are weeping how to weep, do not tell those who are mourning their time is up, do not think of yourself as any different than your neighbor, but love them harder than you've ever loved before recognizing that you are indeed different and that is good.

"Don't just pretend to love others.

Really love them.

Hate what is wrong.

Hold tightly to what is good.

Love each other with genuine affection, 

and take delight in honoring each other...

When God's people are in need, be ready to help them. 

Always be eager to practice hospitality. 

Bless those who persecute you.

Don't curse them; pray that God will bless them.

Be happy with those who are happy and weep with those who weep.

Live in harmony with each other. 

Don't be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people.

And don't think you know it all!

Never pay back evil with more evil.

Do things in such a way that everyone can see you are honorable.

Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone."

Romans 12:9-10, 13-18 (NLT, emphasis added)

"I have come that they may have life,

and have it to the full."

John 10:10b

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Clean or Caught?

As I type this, I am sitting at a coffee shop breaking up 6 hours of driving. 

And I desperately need this break, as this morning after a chaotic work situation and having only been on the road for about 30 minutes, I got my second speeding ticket in 5 days. Don't even start.

I travel regularly. No stranger to taking a road trip, and commuting anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half each day for my job, I am always in the car and I haven't received so much as a warning. Until this week.

When I was pulled Monday after another six hours of driving and I was a mere 5 minutes from the hotel, I was angry, but I was determined not to let it ruin my day. I thanked the officer for reducing my penalty (yes, it was that bad), and resolved to eat out a little less and work at my part-time a little more this next month.

The rest of the week was smooth sailing, for the most part. And then today happened. When I saw the lights behind me this morning, I can assure you that the words in my mind were not any that I will be teaching my students in Peru next year. Aloud, I only screamed "you've got to be kidding me!" so we'll go with that one for this post.

Aside from the fact that no one is getting Christmas gifts this year (for real), I was reminded of several things in the hours to follow as I continued my trek.

One of those reminders smacked me right in the face as I just wrote about it yesterday. I shared about my wonderful breakfast with 92 years of awesome wrapped up in a graceful little lady, and just that quickly I forgot what I learned. Or maybe I didn't quite forget, but I compartmentalized that lesson as I tend to do a lot of things in life.

I talked about being intentional. Being present. Finding beauty.

And this morning I was so concerned with getting to my next destination that God allowed another interruption to force me, literally, to stop, re-evaluate and rearrange.

Slowing down in life is one of my most difficult challenges right now. 

Sure, God has done a tremendous work in my heart. I no longer spend my days daydreaming of being a wife and mother and trying to figure out how to make the most of my life until that happens. I no longer identify myself as being in a season of waiting, in that regard. I am excited to offer God whatever He wants in my life right here and right now, not just until the next milestone. I am creating my own milestones.

But I'm still rushing through the days. Instead of taking in the scenery and enjoying the ride, I just wanted to get to where I was going.

That wasn't all I realized, though. The Spirit also revealed something very sobering to me.

I wasn't mad that I got pulled over...a second time. I wasn't mad that I got yet another ticket. I wasn't even mad at myself for speeding just days after I had gotten that first ticket. 

I realized, as the tears burned my cheeks, that I was mad because I got caught. 

I got caught speeding. 

Caught. 

I've had a clean driving record, with the exception of one infraction, since I've been driving. But my record wasn't clean because I haven't been speeding all these years, my record was clean because I hadn't gotten caught.

I have put over 108,000 miles on my car in 5 short years and my guess is that about 107,864 of those miles I was speeding. I speed all the time. In fact, if there's no one in front of me, something in my brain triggers subconsciously to go find my traffic buddies. It's a problem. I need help.

So as I begged God to do whatever He would to intervene as the trooper took what seemed like forever to pull my information, I also recognized and admitted that this consequence was long overdue. I couldn't be upset with anyone but myself, and even in that God brought to mind other ways He's been protecting me but I have had to make the choice to cease destructive behavior before severe consequences set in.

I am not a mother yet because it is not time for me to be. I believe that will full conviction because, just like my clean driving record was not due to lack of speeding, my empty womb did not come from lack of putting myself in situations where babies are normally born less than a year later.

As mentioned in previous posts, presently my body does not provide an adequate environment for life to develop. Fancy words for I can't get pregnant. Between cancerous cells on my cervix that have to be regularly monitored and painful cysts that develop on my ovaries and can only be controlled by the hormones found in daily birth control pills, I physically cannot get pregnant. 

I don't rest in this diagnosis that seems to scream defeat, though. God has placed a promise in my heart and confirmed it many times through many people that I will be a mother when it is time in His plan for that to happen. I don't know if my children will be biological or adopted or both, and I don't need to know. They're mine and I love them already. 

But that's a post for another day. The point of sharing that is to say that I have not lived a life of purity, I just never got caught. I was not a virgin at the time of my sexual assault, but I sure did not spend the years following that traumatic event seeking redemption or clean living.

Even now, this same challenge creeps into my life. My frustration with someone can far too easily turn into a text message to a friend about how ridiculous and maddening that person can be. Because my friends are kind enough not to expose me to the world by posting my angry messages online for all to see, here's another snippet from the episode of Clean or Caught. 

*Though some of you reading this post do have full permission to post some of my jokes so everyone can know how hilarious I can be. But I need you to post them because if I do, it will ruin the illusion of humility. (Not everyone's going to get that one....it's ok).
Anyway, I'm not proud of these things but I'm so thankful God loves us enough to open our eyes and, if were willing to let Him, work in our hearts.

We all need self-reflection. I don't share everything with everyone, but I do try to remain transparent in all arenas. As Christ-followers, we need to stop playing the role of the victim. Some things happen to us, some things we cause, and some things happen to us because of other things that we have caused. But if we look at the blessings God is giving us in the midst of either, I'm convinced we can all learn lessons that will serve us well the rest of our lives. 

We need to be "Christian" enough to call sin, sin.

Our culture views sin as that which hurts us, not that which hurts God. 

Someone spoke negatively about us? Sin. 

Smoking? Sin.

Abortion? Sin. 

Homosexuality? Sin. 

But my pride preventing me from being the bigger person even if (and especially when) I think I'm justified? Oh, that's just something I'm working on. 

And that murderous thought I had about that person who hurt my loved one? Well, it's not like I actually did anything. 

Bull. That's sin. Clear as day. 

And yes, God works on us. So glad He doesn't give us what we truly deserve. 

And yes, it's a daily struggle. But we have to keep going to the throne and we also have to extend the same grace we expect to receive. 

This post is not about following God and doing the right thing so that we don't get caught doing the wrong thing. That is such a sad way to view our relationship with the Lord and that will make for a miserable life. Not one that exemplifies the richness in the blessings a Christ-follower receives just by remembering they are loved by our Father.

I want this to post to be a reminder that we are to be obedient because it makes our Father happy and it is what's best for us. Life is hard. There are temptations. But the gift we have in knowing that Jesus was fully man and walked this Earth and experience every single temptation that you and I struggle with is a gift that allows us to know 100% that we are fully known and fully understood.

I also want this post to be reminder that even when we mess up, God always provides a way out. Always. It may not be the way we would choose and it may be more expensive than other options, but repenting of our sins and asking for forgiveness also means accepting responsibility for our wrongdoings and most importantly, learning from that experience rather than staying in sin.

In the next 24 hours I have more driving to do. I have a worship experience, a baby shower, a wedding and a birthday celebration and all four events are in four different cities. 

If I've learned anything this week it's that rushing sets you back. So I'm going to make the choice to set a limit and then put my car on cruise control and trust my system not to fail me.

And then I'm going to do the same for my life: make the choice to set limits and then put my life on cruise control, trusting God not to fail me.

He hasn't yet.

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Take My Heart, Take All that I Am

Beautiful God

Laying Your majesty aside

You reached out in love to show me life

Lifted from darkness into light

"Like An Avalanche" by Hillsong United is one of my absolute favorite songs. So much that I’m surprised I haven’t included it in a previous post. In fact, I actually may have. But if you don’t remember either, we’ll call today’s the first and keep whatever secret that may or may not exist between us.

There are many things that rock my world these crazy days. One of those things is how Siri works. No wires in sight, how do you understand me, freak machine? One is solar-powered energy. I can’t even…..Another one is how much Siri doesn’t work. I paid way too much for you to change things I would NEVER say and that NEVER fit into a sentence and call it autocorrect. Fool.

But another thing that rocks my world time and time again is how much God trusts me.

For the life of me, I can’t figure out why God trusts me so much when I keep proving that I trust Him so little. 

He blesses me. He teaches me. He waits for me. He listens to me. And then He blesses me again.

And it’s not just about material blessings. In fact, so often it is much deeper than that.

This week, several of my blessings have come in the form of lessons while praying for others. He trusts me to pray for His children. And I suck at it.

A dear friend of mine reached out to me asking me to lift up her youngest daughter and her recent clingy nature. This friend, who is an absolutely incredible wife, mother and ministry leader, is already struggling with guilt in regards to spending a great deal of time away from her beautiful children, and with the youngest’s regression into this “hold me in your womb at all times” phase, she is fighting with the enemy all the more.

As I’m praying for this precious child and her wearied mama, that God would release all negative emotions and break the strongholds of guilt and shame from Mama’s heart while at the same time wrapping up that baby in the biggest blanket of love so that she never doubts her place in her earthly family or in God’s, I hear one thing over and over: you should cling to Me that way.

Ouch. Dang God. I’m trying to be all holy and pray for someone else….is this really the time for convictions?

But He’s right (as if there’s ever a possibility that God is wrong). I should be clingy with God. I should be so desperate to remain attached to my Heavenly Father that the second there is even the slightest chance of separation I fall into such a state of despair that I have to readjust my entire perspective.

And I’m not. I’m far from clingy. I talk to God. Well, mostly these days I beg and I whine. I plead with Him to help lead me away from temptation and then I complain about not having what others have.

Will I ever get it together?

Probably not, because my same sweet sister in Christ reached out to me yesterday asking me to join her in praying for another friend who caught her husband in an ongoing intimate relationship with someone else. My heart broke for this woman. Shattered in pieces. Her circumstance surrounding this situation, her family, the decisions she has to make….I couldn’t handle it.

And so I prayed for her. All day. Whenever I thought of her. I prayed that the reality and the rawness did not smother her, and that even though it hurt more than I could ever imagine she would be able to see Jesus’s face throughout this ordeal. I prayed for her child. I prayed for comfort everlasting to envelope her in those tender moments when she wakes up in the morning and remembers that this is real life, even though she wishes it were just a nightmare. And then I set a reminder to pray for her all throughout the next few days, because that’s what Christians do, right?

Except my reminder said: "pray for friend whose husband is an adulterer."

What is wrong with me?!

Literally, while praying, I wanted to physically harm someone and was completely unapologetic about it.

Now, I’ll be the first to tell you, I ain’t no saint. And I can guarantee, if you’ve been around me for more than 7 and 1/2 minutes, you already know the same. But when God reminded me how absolutely broken I am, and how in my judgment of this man who is tearing his family apart, I am in as much need of grace as he is, I could do nothing but thank the Lord.

I am grateful for these painful moments for the sole purpose that they serve to push us straight into the arms of our loving Savior.

I am grateful for the experiences that show us the reason the only place we can run to is towards God because that’s the only place we need to run.

I am grateful for these times that suck so terribly bad, because they are the only place life is reborn.

And I am grateful for rebirth.

Good Lord, I am thankful for rebirth.
And though I spent the morning beating myself up for being a terrible pray-er, I spent the evening watching the rebirth of my purpose. 

Tonight I began training for my part time gig at this awesome Wine Bar to save money for Uganda. And while I was teaching a beautiful Caucasian woman with long curly hair how I twist my curly hair into an updo (read: upmess, but she liked it) -- right after I internally judged her for what I interpreted as a snobby attitude -- and I was explaining that “yes, I’m literally selling wine to fund my trip to share about Jesus…I know the paradox is uncanny, but can I get an AMEN!” I remembered how much Jesus loves to meet us where we are. 

He meets us when we’re clingy. 

He meets us when we’re independent. 

He meets us when we’re cheating. 

He meets us when we’re judging. 

He meets us when we’re hurting. 

He meets us when we’re broken. 

He meets us and He looks us in the eyes and says, “I love you, still."

And I find myself here on my knees again

Caught up in grace like an avalanche

Nothing compares to this love

Love

Love

Burning in my heart

*If you've never heard this song, listen now!

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