We All Need a Corner

I am an introvert. 

Anyone who knows me, knows this, and they laugh at people who think otherwise.

Before we move any further, let me first dispel the myth that introverts have to be quiet and reserved, shy or ill-fitting in social situations. There is nothing wrong with having any of those characteristics, but as I've said before: dainty and delicate don't really live around here.

I am loud. Very loud. Sometimes I don't even recognize how my voice carries in a normal conversation. 

The only thing reserved in this life is tables at restaurants, because your girl likes to grub. I share my opinion way too frequently and that is something I've been working on, but haven't quite arrived. 

Having never met a stranger, I am the polar opposite of shy. I hugged the director of my department during our first meeting. I hug other people's friends and family when we meet rather than the socially appropriate act of shaking hands. (Hands are dirty anyway. At least hugs are cozy.) People will tell me their life story in the grocery store aisle because I "just have one of those faces."

But I am still an introvert. I draw my energy from being alone. I love being in a crowd, I thrive in social settings, but I need space to rejuvenate and silence to appreciate the process. If I don't get that space and I am forced to interact longer than mentally or emotionally capable...well, you may wish we were strangers.

I don't like ice breakers. At all. Ever. Some of my friends from missionary orientation in May shared at dinner this past Sunday that they played a game with some of the other appointees at training this week and immediately locked eyes and said "Brittany would hate this." You better know it. 

Many people are shocked when I tell them I am an introvert, but not only do I possess many of the characteristics but I also tip the scale based on Myers-Briggs and other personality assessments.

It's not that I don't like being around others. I just really enjoy being by myself.

The thing I'm learning, though, is that we need others to support us. We need community. We were never supposed to walk this journey called life alone. 

By not joining a community you are not being self-reliant, you are not being independent, you are being a coward. And I say this because I've been there. I'm calling out those of us who are cowards because it does not take any faith to depend on yourself. It takes faith to depend on others, to be vulnerable and risk getting hurt but much more to "risk" feeling true love. It takes faith to depend on God and to accept the people that He has put in your life.

You see, God allows people to enter and exit our lives like the ebb and flow of a tide at the beach. It is up to us whether we accept those people for the purposes God has orchestrated and let them leave when our season has come to a close. It is also up to us if we shut those people out when God is blessing us with their friendship, or if we cling to the presence of those who should be long gone.

It's all about the choices we make.

If you've visited my church even once, you'll hear a phrase that is constantly in our speech: we're better together.

And it is so true.

In fact, just a few days ago our pastor posted an Instagram photograph of a lion with this caption beneath to express this sentiment:

"A lion used to prowl about a field where 4 oxen lived. Many a time the lion tried to attack them but whenever he came near, the oxen would turn tail to tail so whichever way [the lion] approached he was met with the horns of one. At last however, they fell in arguing, complaining and offense. Each went to his own pasture in a separate corner of the field. The lion attacked them one by one and soon all four were devoured." Aesop, 6th century BC

I have said it many times before, but I am forever grateful for my corner.

I am grateful for the friends who are in the seasons of life one or two (or eight or fourteen) steps ahead of me, who gift me with wisdom with which I don't even know what to do yet.

I am grateful for the friends who are in the seasons of life one or two steps in my past, who remind me how sweet and precious each day is.

I am grateful for the friends who may not have been through the same experiences I have, but they love me all the same and they cherish God's grace and mercy.

Tonight, I want to share how grateful I am for the friends that are going through the same things I am. Grateful for their openness in sharing their struggles, their excitement as we celebrate milestones, and their faithfulness in this call to missions.

I have the most amazing support system. Really, a blessing I surely don't deserve. But one of the biggest struggles in this season is that as much support as I have, no one truly understands what I am going through.

Leaving my life as I know it. The uncertainty behind the decisions as I solidify a timeline. Dating. What the? Explaining this passion to my family. Being in the prime of my life and giving it all away. The anticipation that gets overshadowed by loneliness and then sideswiped by an overwhelming list of tasks to complete. 

But God.

God gives us community. 

A few weeks ago, I shared the following with my best friend one night and my Charlotte mama the next, when asked the same question: "So, how do you really feel?"

My response: I really feel......like a pregnant woman. 

Having never been pregnant, I can only speculate, but in these days where the initial excitement from the "announcement" has worn off, and every day I answer the same questions because they are coming from different people who don't know how many times I've sang my song, sometimes I'm just tired. 

Though excitement doesn't even begin to describe how I am for the "birth" of this opportunity, and I can't wait to meet my "baby" (i.e. land in Peru), with the counseling sessions and the tracking databases, and the newsletter creations, and the book requirements, and trying to manage all of that while maintaining life as it still is here because I haven't actually left yet.....well, I just feel bloated, with acid reflux and cankles and I can't sleep at night because I can't get in a good position in bed. 

Then there is the "labor and delivery" of moving to another continent and getting accustomed to a new culture and working through the homesickness that I can't even think about yet because I haven't even packed my bag!

But of course, even in the sleepless nights, I thank God for what He has created. For the opportunity that He has given me. This opportunity that is so unique to anything I have ever done, that He could have chosen anyone else for, yet He invited me. And I thank Him endlessly.

And He keeps blessing me. Like on Sunday. This past Sunday, I was able to visit with two beautiful friends who are participating in the two-week training that I will be doing in October.

Finally, I felt understood. These ladies, also in their twenties, also single, also from loving, Christian families who had a hard time understanding their decision, these ladies were answers to prayers. 

And as much as I wanted to just go home after serving at church....because I'm an introvert.....I much more craved the connection with them and I am so grateful God placed them in my life to hear His truth, and His love and His confirmations over and over again. 

We are not in this alone. 

I don't have any great philosophical ending. I was going to add something charging everyone who reads this post to find a community and get ROOTED and I still pray that you do that. 

But tonight I just want to thank all who are in my corner. I am praying for you. Thank you for continuously praying for me.

"For where two or three are gathered

together in My name,

I am there among them."

Matthew 18:20 (HCSB)

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I said YES!

When God moves, He moves mightily.

Remember that time I said I didn't know where God was calling me, but I knew it was to missions? 

Remember how I asked you to pray those "unsafe" prayers with me? Well thanks, friends, because God has answered.

Guess what this season of preparation is for....

About six months ago I shared with my Life Group a prayer that had been resting in my spirit to become more bold in Christ, to step into the calling He has placed on my life a faith bursting from within. 

Ever since then, I have been drenched in confirmations everywhere I turn, and each time I ask for another one -- Are you sure this is what you want me to do, Father? -- I'm sure God either laughs at me or shakes His head in exasperation, but He obliges and puts someone else in my path to whisper or shout what He has already spoken.

Meetings on meetings on meetings. So many meetings. Forms every day. So much paperwork. So many questions. Dumb amounts of emails. Prayer on prayer on prayer. Beautiful prayer warriors lifting me up each day. Whispering God's truth in my ears at all times. Praying for me when I couldn't pray for myself. When I was mad at God for asking me to do this. Conversations. Fasts. Tears. Belting out worship songs. Arguments with family members. Celebrations with friends.

God gave me the choice. I could have said "No."

I still can.

But why would I dare?

If all God has done for me this far in my life is all He ever did for the rest of my time on this side of Heaven, that is more than enough. 

And I need to share that with someone who needs to hear it.

So, I'm quitting my job, selling my junk and becoming a missionary.

In addition to that (as if that's not enough), while praying through the opportunities presented before me in regards to my long-term commitment, there was another opportunity presented for a short-term trip exactly to the place my mother shared she felt I was called to go back in January, doing exactly what I wrote about before: Africa, serving women and children.

I'm well aware of how insane this looks to those looking from the outside in, those who haven't lived closely with me over the past few years. 

I understand that to those who have also never experienced the call for missions themselves to go and serve -- because ALL of us are called to missions, but many of us are called to stay and serve, and/or to send -- this may seem absolutely foolish and borderline irresponsible.

I get it. It seems that way to me. In fact, I have cried out to God, many, many times. 

Are you sure, God? 

How is this possible? 

Why are you asking me? 

Don't you know what else I have going on in my life? 

Newsflash: He does know. He knows, because He is making it all happen.

And then one night on my couch, selfishly drowning in my sorrows with Chinese food, red wine, and gross tissues crumpled on the carpet at my feet, it hit me: I'd rather look foolish for God than be foolish for man. 

I'd rather give God the opportunity to show up and show out in such a miraculous way that only He could get the glory because there is NO POSSIBLE WAY I can do this on my own. 

I'd rather do that than pat myself on the back for attaining everything I set out to accomplish in my own human strength.

Quite frankly, I wasn't created to climb the corporate ladder. I absolutely love my job, and I am so grateful for the opportunities it has afforded me. But if you want me to tell you the truth, I could care less about teaching a computer system.

When I think of the precious women with whom I will get to share God's love and tell them that they are treasured and that He sees them and adores them just the way they are, when I think about the darling orphans that I get to love on because they may have never heard that they were loved before -- that is when my heart really starts beating, that is when I truly feel alive. There is no salary and no benefits to match that.

God did not save me for me to sit on my couch. 

God did not save me to hoard His love for myself.

God saved me so that I could share His love with others. God saved me to give me the opportunity, if I so choose, to partner with Him and participate in His wonders and glory as He saves others and calls them to experience the freedom that comes from accepting Jesus Christ as our Savior.

There is no sin dark enough to keep us from God, all we have to do is run straight to Him. For that I am thankful, because my sin pretty closely resembles midnight.

God will rescue you from abandonment.

God will rescue you from abuse.

God will rescue you from alcoholism.

God will rescue you from depression.

God will heal your body.

God will heal your heart.

God WILL provide for your every, single need.

And I know this, because He has done all of those things for me.

As a product of adoption, and then later divorce, I know what it is like to grow up feeling abandoned. Especially in seeing my birth parents several times a year and feeling completely unwanted. Thankfully, I had an incredible mom who worked her ass off to make sure I knew I was loved.

As a victim of emotional abuse and later sexual assault, I know what it is like to feel used and unworthy.

As an abuser of alcohol, I know what it feels like to consciously make unhealthy decision after unhealthy decision just to numb the pain and assert "control" in your life.

As a sufferer of depression, I know what it's like to wake up and feel like you have absolutely nothing to live for so you just go back to sleep.

Unmarried, without children and giving up my corporate job is not where I imagined my life at twenty-five.

But entirely living for Christ, trusting Him for every thing I could ever need, and accepting this call, this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing.
To keep the glory of God's rescue and redemption to myself, to not share that with His children all over the globe, to not love them as He has loved me, that is the darkest sin.

You won't catch me tying God's hands behind His back because He wants to give me a gift that my fear and anxiety won't let me accept.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of quitting my incredible job to leave the only life I've ever known.

Yes, I'm TERRIFIED of asking people for money to support this call. So.Much.Money. What?!

But as I lay my dreams at His feet, I have no doubt that He will bring the desires that He has placed in my heart to fruition in the perfect time.

More so, I am incredibly BLOWN AWAY that God trusts me enough to ask me to do it, and I'm humbled enough by His faithfulness to say YES.

"And then he told them,

'Go into all the world and preach the Good News to everyone.

Anyone who believes and is baptized will be saved.

But anyone who refuses to believe will be condemned.

These miraculous signs will accompany those who believe:

They will cast out demons in my name,

and they will speak in new languages."

Mark 16:15-17 (NLT)

*I'm next to the lady in yellow, Mom :)

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The Sound of Heaven Touching Earth (Part I)

Our Father

All of Heaven roars Your name

Sing louder, let this place erupt with praise 

Can you hear it?

The sound of Heaven touching Earth 

The sound of Heaven touching Earth

"Spirit Break Out," Jesus Culture

This past week I experienced Heaven touching Earth. Only by the amazing grace of God was I blessed with the opportunity to witness His glory face to face with the beautiful orphans, students in a school for the slums, and the villagers of India. I have many posts and pictures coming soon. 

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