What Have I Gotten Myself Into?

I'm beginning my last week of independent study before the madness of my field training begins and I've never felt more…cwkfafepasdkfjawe.

Each day I ride feelings of breathtaking excitement and sheer panic just as easy as surfers ride the waves in the ocean. I feel completely bipolar, yet I'm eerily ok with that.


My excitement rises and falls like the tide as I think about the impact my future students are going to have on my life and vice versa. I imagine creative lesson plans and the execution of behavior management, I hear the laughter of students and watch their pens hit paper completing work they deem unnecessary but are proud to turn in at the end of class because they didn't think they could do it. I dream of my classroom being their safe place. I dream of science scholars thanking me on graduation day for pushing them like no one else had.

And then I'm awoken by the reality that as dramatic as times may get, my life is not a movie. I will only have 45 minutes to an hour and a half to teach these students content standardized by the state. I will be fighting for progress for my students who are years behind their grade level. I will be battling attitudes much worse than my own. I will be far outside of my comfort zone. I will love these kids and they probably won’t love me back and that will be painful. I will likely be overwhelmed more often than I am in control, even if on the outside I look like I have it all together.

This will be a job of purpose and passion, not for my gratification or appreciation.

Oh [expletive]. I can’t do this. What have I gotten myself into?

Panic. Confusion. Self-consciousness. Fear. 

STOP. 

Breathe. Pray. Remember. Smile.

I hear my Abba's words in response to my heart's cry:

I called you.
I confirmed you.
I prepared you.
I opened the doors for you.
I will equip you.
I am by your side.
I love you, child.

I whisper back. Thank you.

I pray that the God of peace, 

Who raised our Lord Jesus from the dead, 

the great Shepherd of the sheep, 

and authorized an everlasting covenant with his blood, 

I pray that You equip me with all I need to do Your will. 

I pray that You make me complete 

through the power of Jesus Christ, 

producing in me every good thing that is pleasing in Your sight. 

All glory goes to You forever and ever! 

Amen. 

[Prayer adapted from scripture, Hebrews 13:20-21]